Poetic Traces 

I awake to a stillness, a calm

My restitution leaves me relaxed

Bird calls and wings fluttering

 are the musical sounds that fill my ears
Off I the distance a plethora of sound 

Emanate toward me. 

This is heaven.  
Tranquil, yet mesmerizing 

I could listen for hours

As I drink in the aromas

And glean from what my eyes behold 
The Purity of nature

Is donned and cloaked 

in the sweet drenching 

Earthiness our home. 
I map out and trace

The serenity in how I feel

An aphrodisiac of sorts 

we all respond to the call

A Cure for Anxiety

The night air is cool, pleasant 

I feel it seeping in through my window

And smell it as it fills my nose 

With the unmistakable scents 

Of outdoors 
Their is something calming and awakening

About natural surroundings.

Perhaps it is the culmination

Of the distinct aroma 

Or the green newness 
I do know it gives me energy

Has a hypnotic calming affect

I feel good in its embrace.
This time of year 

Makes me feel so alive

Just be the sheer fact

I can experience the mesmerizing effects

Bestowed upon me.
All the Complexity

Of fauna and flora

The essence of life

Has welcomed and embrace me
I feel calmer hearing birds,

Smelling plants,

Feeling wind on my skin

I love the sensation of the sun
As it beats upon my face
If I could bottle and sell it

I’m confident it would eradicate 

Anxiety, stress, and depression

And clear you to a confident state

Art of Aging. 

There is something to be said for youth and the innocents beauty instills in us.  So often it is seen as perfection.  Truth be told innocents is not perfection and indeed has flaws.  

As I age I see how the softness of youth comes across as pure, a new beginning, and how it can and is desired. Our society makes it feel like that youthfulness is the ultimate key to happiness and true beauty.  Youthful beauty is fresh, just ripened to perfection and maturity, the optimal point of becoming ripe. 

Yes, there is something to be said for the exquisite perfection youth brings, the softness, that like spring rejuvenates your existence and makes you feel alive. It’s as if by globbing onto youth you will have the perfect life and happiness you seek. 

Media outlets have caused true beauty to be shunded and ideals to be unobtainable.  Even models don’t recognize their altered images.  The masses have unrealistic views of what can realistically be obtained naturally thereby creating issues with self esteem.  

We have created a cataclysmic image of what beauty should not be.  The idealistic view has warped the imperfections that make us unique and perfect in our own right.  The message we are sending is to love and accept who you are, but something is wrong with you and it must be changed. These duel meaning cause more doubt, insecurity, harm and are dead wrong.
Their is no turning back time to be what you are no longer.  No amount of procedures or beauty treatments will change who you are as a person or what living gives us. As a 47 year old woman I feel as time moves on, the inadequacy my age can make me feel. 

I do not mind aging, what I do mind is the way our society makes aging seem. It deems aging as if it is a disease that has to be corrected, fixed and looked down upon.  Aging is seen as a death sentence. True we all will die but what about the lifetime it takes to get there? 

I dye my hair and have since greying in my early 30’s. I don’t want to be seen as old, which means not valued, respected or treated as if I know anything. Don’t agree,  look at the messages advertisers send out, tv shows portray,  and touched up images show. 

In addition to coloring my hair I work out.  That in itself makes me appear younger, and I have tinkered with thoughts of plastic surgery.  That is a shocker to me, because I have always appreciate the aging process and have never had an issue with my age. However now I’m older I’m worried about others perceptions of me in a world that focus on youth. 


I now look in the mirror and the see signs of what growing in years has done. No longer is my skin as elastic, and smooth.  My youthful beauty has been replaced with a mature polished look.  From having children I no longer have the buff, flat stomach, (not that I ever did), I have aches and pains from how I have use my body over the years.  

I try hard to not feed into the notion that I need to change who I am because I’m aging. When everything in our society goes against what is right, how do you keep your perceptions from skewing? Really? Our society has to stop this idiotic way of projecting ageism and acting as if only youth is beautiful.  Aging is a normal healthy process of life and should be embraced and seen more for how beautiful it is.

I know there is a growing movement to cherish natural beauty at any age, however what needs to change is the outlets who push unrealistic, unhealthy images and pass them off as truth.  
It’s sad. The world; our society is more caught up with what’s not true or real and wonders why so many people suffer from depression and other mental heath issue.  It’s time to take control of our lives to make a stand, take off the rose colored glasses. Learn to be happy with life for what it is and the individuality we all share. Young or old it’s ok to be who you are. Don’t let doubt  of any kind creep in because someone else’s words, way of seeing their world doesnt match yours. It’s a ok to be who you are, like who you are, love who you are.  It is ok to be different in a world that wants us all the same. 

The Aftermath 

Instead of just writing a new chapter of my life, I’m writing an entire new book. The new story is all new to me, as is the case when you reinvent who you are.  Why am I doing this? Well, with everything I have experienced and had to deal with, it made me realized I wasn’t putting myself first, not how you should if you value and love who you are. As a result of my realization, I also came to the conclusion I sold myself short, was afraid to push out of the self induced boundaries, was uncomfortable doing thing on my own and was missing out on my life by not having fulfilling experiences.  

I married thinking like most woman do, that I’d have my happily ever after. I truly did everything a wife should do, plus more. You name it I could do it and would, not because I had to necessarily, but more because I didn’t mind… overall. I love the fact I can do all that I can, but I also didn’t have the choice financially to have the luxury of paying a professional or counting on my spouse.

I did expect my husband to step up as a reasonable person, however I could not even depend on him to follow through. The only thing I could depend on him for was to be undependable, dishonest and passive aggressive, things that didn’t help and hindered the natural progressing of moving forward.

Being around all these types of behaviors changed me, in most ways for the worst, but in others for the better. It took many, many years but I did gain back a good self esteem albeit the hard way and I eased into a gentler version of myself. I’m still seeing positive changes take place within myself the further I move away from my past. 

I do not fault my soon to be ex, I realize, that’s how he was raised, as well as how he experienced life. It just shows he doesn’t have the same baseline of morals or desires to be the good in our world in the same way I do, I’m further guessing he sees his behavior as normal.  

His presence in my life in part made me who I am now, for that I cannot complain, nor should I. I’m not even angry with him, however if you would ask me if I wished him well, I’d say “as well as he has treated others,” especially his wife and children.  

But again I do stress, as much as I am saying what he did, I have also let go and continue to let go of my past. How have I done this? Well as I said I did most everything in our marriage. When I had finally had enough and walked away, there was no major transition to go through, not like many who have experienced what I have. This is due to the fact I did everything one would do if on their own, because he didn’t help me. In addition I had all my fears lived out throughout our marriage that I feared would happen if I was single, so by the end there was nothing I feared with being on my own.  For all intents and purposes I was on my own but only tethered by a piece of paper and my morals. 

April of 2016 I met with a lawyer, gave a large deposit of money, and started the process. The original lawyer was a mediator as I erroneously assumed what I gave would be sufficient and the process would be quick, you know, behaving amicably. Yeah, NO.  

Believe me, when I finally made the choice after years of indecisiveness and what ifs I did not looked back, accept to see all the times I overlooked behavior that were clearly signs I made a good choice in leaving. I have looked forward eagerly since I made my choice that day, and started to redevelop myself and use the time for positive experience, even if divorce is a negative one.

I have found a field of work I love, it gives meaning to my life, purpose, real purpose and it is rewarding. I light up when I talk about what I do. I’ve become more in-touch with who I have dreamt of being, and learned how to remain calm and not take personal how people are toward me. I’ve become more at ease, insightful, and understanding, which makes almost no self induced stress.

I have become an entrepreneur of sorts: starting my blog, working on opening an Etsy store (in the near future), doing side jobs of gardening and dog/house sitting, all things I love doing, can do and finally value myself enough to do them for others. Pushing out my once set limits caused growth, and I need this.  

I raced to dating six months after filing, I had to find someone I told myself. I needed to prove I was better than the ex.  That journey has helped me find of all mates, me! The overall experience of on line dating hasn’t been great, It feels like you are shopping and frankly most men are out to find sex it seems. But and it’s a BIG but, the experience has helped me to realize what I want and that time doesn’t matter. I’m ok being on my own. Yes it would be nice to have a good relationship but right now I’ve found that with myself. Truthfully the best thing I can do for myself is to NOT force a relationship, but to get to know myself as an individual, not a wife, not a mom, but me as the person I am relaxing and growing back into.  

I joined a divorce support group. The socialization, understanding and insight has made immeasurable differences in my perceptions, and how I want to be seen and identified. I’m not a victim, I’m not going to cry poor me, I’m not going to constantly blame and condemn the ex. He is who he is that’s why I left. Constantly criticizing him will not make me look better or help me in any way and it will not change him.  Instead I believe it will make me unnecessarily bitter.  There’s no reason to negatively impact my life now or in the future it isn’t beneficial.

Respecting myself, not being afraid to stand up for myself in responsible, assertive ways, teaches others how to treat me. My past negative behaviors will not be repeated or carried over, instead I will treat others with the same respect and dignity I now show myself. Now that I can fully accept who I am, learned to take the time to slow down, my insightfulness has deepened and I’ve become a calmer person. 

I still have several aspects of myself/my life I would like to work on, such as how loud I can be, how at times I over analyze past situations, or fall back into negative self-talk and old behaviors take over. I realize these are aspects of wanting attention, someone to say I am valued and matter, but really the only person who can change my perspective is me. By learning to accept and let go, and by reframing what I am thinking I know I’ll move past this. 

In addition I plan to go back to school and finish my degree in education. First I have to get the divorce behind me and get back on my feet financially if possible. Whether I can gain any financial freedom or not won’t matter because in a year or two I will be back at school so I can have the career I want in the field I love, so I can have the financial freedom.  

In so many ways this is the best time of my life, even if I’m finically destitute. I know I am strong and will land standing strong and erect. I have great morals, strong convictions, and I’m dedicated to my success.  

By leaving and moving on I’ve detonated the bridge to my past and closed book one.  Book two is going to be a phenomenal well written journey. I’m so excited by the unknown story line, can’t wait to see how it comes together!!!

Connections

Radiate warmth and kindness,

Loyalty and love

Be willing to listen

Learn something new
Do not judge 

You’re not the jury 

Or a demi(god) –

With any ultimate rule
Who are you to decide

Someone else fate?

You may not agree

In choices that were made
Be aware,

you’re not superior

Someone else 

could look down there nose 

at little ol’ you 

What you reap 

you will sow 

Karma has a way
Be as giving, generous

Sincere, yes positive

As you’d wished to get
Learn patience 

Get to know yourself

In indiscriminating ways 

Notice and improve 
Upon your own 

flawed flaws

First and foremost

Don’t point fingers

Unless they point  

Your way

None of us are perfect

There in more

Than one right way 
Yes it’s easy

To be a judge

Than learn to accept

Or even understand

To any great depth
In the end

Differences are what

Makes us connect.
Make a point

To like and love

Who you are

You can’t begin

To show others

Or give 

what you don’t have
Secure a better life

Strive to be 

The lining 

In someone dark cloud

Show hope

Happiness, positivity all around

 

Rain as an Aphrodisiac

The smell of rain hangs heavily in the humid sticky air. I inhale deeply through my nose, close my eyes and exhale. A calm falls over me, I become Infuse with the elements.  
Acidic sweetness envelopes the region, in the distance, off in the northeast, lighting fractures the darkness imbuing light across the night sky.

Rain, rain, rain, pouring down, a drenching coolness permeates the dissipating warmth.

Reverberating Matter 

Seldom in life do we get a second chance or a do over. It might seem like you have gained a reprieve, but we are responsible for our actions or lack of actions, thoughts and behaviors. Reprieves are earned. 
Our life reverberates and receives the same wavelengths we create and send out. We put in motion a constant concentric wave of energy based on who we genuinely are, not who we portray we are. Those waves touch everyone in our circumference and only stop when they lose momentum.

When we come into contact with others, our waves bounce back taking some of that persons energy, bringing it back to us. The more you come in contact with or are around someone the more energy you will absorb or have depleted from you.  

Unless you have a life altering experience you will not change. The experiences have to touch you so profoundly that you are rocked to your core, causing you to question your existence in a soul searching way. However, you will NOT change, you cannot change unless you have a base of that already internally in you, plus the strong desire of motivation to learn what you are not.

It is easier to teach new behaviors than it is to change old ones. From the time we are born, we learn a way of seeing the world projected onto us by our parents. Until we can see clearly with our own insight, feelings and eyes we flounder lost. Yes, aspects of who we are are genetic, but much of the way we choose to behave and act is a learned behavior.  

For me growing up, I can remember my mother ignoring me, becoming angry with me, pitting my siblings and I against each other, she wasn’t a mother. My father, he was hypercritical, evasive, manipulative, controlling but loving at times. The person I started out as has similarities to me but I am an nothing like her. I can honestly say she would have never made it where I am.
By age eight my parents divorced, my sister was critically ill and my childhood ended. I was parenting myself and by eleven I was lost looking for my way. Who was I? I remember vowing to never be like my mother but following her because she was my mother, my custodial parent, and I needed to be nurtured. However you can’t get love from someone who doesn’t love who they are and you can’t learn confidence if you are not show what it looks like. I did know fear, uncertainty, and loathing.
 Thanks to the wonderful people throughout my life who gave me glimpses of care and love, (that I so desperately needed), I learned to build on the energy I received from them. I absorbed their energy eagerly, slowly rebuilding myself. With macro bursts of support I received, I slowly pushed the waves of my existence sending out my energy, listening for the echo back.  

My Echo back is the external and internal peace I have now reached. I am comfortable and confident with who I am. I understand myself, accept my flaws but continue to improve on them. I have a new understanding of what it means to live, love and give. The work I do has been a valuable tool of self awareness and for the first time in my life, I am in tune with the echo I hear.  

I’m one of the exceptions.  

I earned my reprieve with dedication, hard work and a strong desire to be everything I never had. Every day I put out to the world a beautiful hum and I receive back the sweetest sound encompassing me.

I matter. 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/reprieve/

Life is a Verb

This last week my soon to be ex husband found out he had heart issues. I can only guess he was rushed to the hospital unsure of what was happening, and scared to death.  I’m further guessing they gave him worst case scenario. As far as I know he is now recovering from his ordeal. But as the almost ex wife, I really have no idea what his frame of mind is, or how he feels, that’s ok.  

I bring him up because for years I would nag him about how he took care of himself. He ate out every meal, smoked and exercise was walking to the car. For some time he was on medication for cholesterol, and just stopped taking it. Haphazardly he went through life, and real happiness, I don’t think he knows what it is. However, he did managed to lose a significant amount of weight and iseems to kept off.  I’m sure the stress of the last few years was a good facilitator, but I doubt much changed beyond that, hence the heart issues.

As I said, I would nag him about how he took care of himself. I saw his way of existing wasn’t really living and I tried everything I could to get him to take care of his heath and overall wellbeing. Of course I was just a nag. Gotta love me, lol.

I would not class myself as in the best shape of my life, but I certainly am not at my worst. I tend to over eat but I eat healthfully for the most part. I have found my body does better when I eat well, imagine that! I’ve been more conscious of my fullness and mindful of when I have had enough, always a work in progress and progress is good. I’m sure the fact my stress has been reduced has helped, yes divorce can be a blessing. 

Exercise is a part of my life, and has been since I was in my 20’s. I use it for mediative purposes, a good sweat, to destress, help me state fit, flexible and keep my body as youthful as I can. It helps the little things or prevent others that tend to pop up as we age.

As I have aged it has become more important for me to take care of myself for the overall benefits I get. Heart and other issues run in my family, besides if I can fiend off adverse affects I’m for it. What we do today has an effect on us tomorrow and builds over time. Let’s face it, age really changes our bodies and the only real way to turn back the clock is to live actively and proactively. Truth be told our bodies are machines, when they wear out, they stop working in the correct manner. 

To merely survive is not living, it is existing without purpose. I go for the gusto putting my entire being into my life, making it full, rich and happy, I know no other way. Besides happiness and good health are paramount to me. That being said, there was a time I lived in survival mode, my life passed me by, as if I was in the doldrums. Happiness, well it wasn’t in my vernacular and I did not enjoy where I was. Not because I didn’t want happiness, but because I lost it. I don’t know what was the exact cause of my displacement, but it was a culmination of many events, some subtle and others, in my face. I fell hard, losing my purpose, my motivation and way. It sucked.  

I hated how I felt, and yet I had no idea how to change the place I was in. I did everything one can do, I drank, I went to counseling, I journaled, I went to marital counseling, I took medication and yes I ate. I even worked hard to understand how I was feeling, why I was feeling how I was feeling and worked on express my feelings clearly. I couldn’t believe this was as good as life got. What was the purpose of living if this was it? 
One day everything changed. I can’t say exactly when or how, but I can tell you it was a process – it felt like a switch being turned back on. Looking back I could see where I had come from, the dedication I had: it was up hill the entire way and I did it! It took me looking back to realize how hard I had fought to come back and to see the value and worth in life. It took appreciating myself, liking who I was, changing how I saw myself and yes, doing the work.

A life of purpose and meaning has been incredibly important to me. Happiness and real living means everything. I have, we have such a short time on this planet, why would you not cherish it? Why not cherish yourself? Why not work to make yourself excited by the joy(s) of living? Why not be happy and fulfilled? Why not show yourself altruism? Why not do the hard work?

When you keep putting off your health, not eating better, not doing what brings you joy, and accepting the status quo, you are not living. When you refuse to take care of yourself, and think medications can fix you, you are not living. When you put your head in the sand and don’t acknowledge your part, or take responsibility, you are not living. The only person you have to blame is the person you see reflected back, y-o-u.  Only you can do the work for you.

Once the damage has been done, you cannot turn back the clock to fix it. Just as material things can’t buy happiness, you can’t truly live if you do not awaken to experience life and make conscious choices. I once thought it was a bunch of garbage the counselors I saw would say “no one can make you feel…”. Wow that would set me off.  I since have come to see that, that is indeed the truth – how right they were. No one can make you happy, no one can live your life and no one but you can ultimately take it away.  

I feel badly for my soon to be ex, he isn’t even 50, however he had the capability to have control over where he ended up.  Life is about choices. Both good or bad you have to live with the choices you make. For me, I strive to make the best informed well rounded decisions, to be a participant in my life, so I do more than just survive.  In the end we all pay the piper.  He’s not getting much from me:)

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/survive/

Impressions of Character 

Looking out my window this wet morning, I form my opinion of this sodden day. While I’m not overly excited it is raining… again, I’m struck by how lush and green everything is. It is wet, there is humidity in the air which makes it feel warmer then it really is, even as my nose feels cold to the touch. 
Heavily overcast, with the feel of impending rain in the air, I hear birds and yet it is too wet to do anything but observe. Every subtlety I can absorb I do.

I’ve learned to take the time, let my senses guide me, my intuition show me the way and about all remain calm. When it comes to nature, being in its element has helped me change my moods, formulate positive impressions, destress and just absorb what I can to ground myself, it’s a great narcotic. 

I found I assess situations/people better when I listen to my intuition and respect myself. I cannot and should not second guess my perceptions and first impressions have never steered me wrong except when I don’t listen to them. Using these simple yet perceptive ways to see past guises I can make informed smart, choices.

Feelings within us can be conflictual and it is at those times that I didn’t and have not trusted myself, or the feelings that really mattered. For a good portion of my life I second guessed my own internal navigation system, only to come to realize it was right all along. There is no room in life for self doubt.

What by far has taught me and given me the biggest understanding is to accept myself and my inner voice. By taking the time to learn who I am, what I like, and be in tuned with myself has been paramount for my self esteem, overall perception and a happier More fulfilling life.

For the most part I have let go of my stresses and what stresses me. Letting stress navigate you causes irrevocable harm as it makes first impressions and overall intuition, and insight ineffective. You learn to not be confident and not enjoy life because you are consumed with negativity and uncertainty. 

When you don’t listen to yourself you don’t perceive what should guide you, instead letting fear, turmoil and the unknown dictate how you should act, react and feel. That’s when I have found I have missed crucial insight, important diagnostics of myself, the world around me or the people I have interacted with and not heard/felt what I should have.

As I have gotten older, I found my ability to center myself and accept what is, comes more naturally. By no means is it always easy, it is however better than the constant struggle with anxiety I lived with,or the stress and constant stressors I let get to me. 

I find the more I can center myself and my thoughts the easier it is for me to be successful and let go of what isn’t important. 

Leaving behind those in my life who caused me to second guess myself, something I allowed, has freed up my personal insight, easy going nature and desire for a more minimalistic life.  

Even though I am leaving behind those who do not belong in my circle any longer, I find at times I still respond to their behavior. The dynamic I have played a part of for years, I am still working on not engaging or participating in, or those triggers which are part of my insecurities. 

The problem with triggers is they polk at our self worth, instead of learning to accept them, own them and overcome them we react from them. I like anyone else don’t like to be wrongly judged or feel attacked. Instead of seeing behavior as a manifestation of who we are, we are inclined to see it as a negative mark against who we are, refusing to learn from it.  

It isn’t until we engage in the dynamic that it indeed becomes a negative mark against us and ceases to be a possible behavior, it is now an action we have taken part in. Up until that crucial point where I choose to engage, I realize after the fact how I could have handled myself better. It all goes back to listening to that inner voice. When you slow down and take the time to listen, and process through your feelings, your inner voice will not steer you wrong. But you must listen to it, or that wise friend.

I atone for my infallibilities, for the times I have let what really shouldn’t get to me, take over and blur my sense of reason, or for even the times what should get to me has, and it has taken over.

I hope when all is said and done, when my divorce is finally final and life settles down, I will be proud of how I handled myself even with the few precarious ways I have reacted through the process.

At this point in the unrelenting process I am realistic of the non-stellar outcome, how I should handle myself, and present myself, (even as I lose control occasionally). I am as grounded and tethered to my morals, and accountable for who I am, now, probably more so, knowing it is a true reflection and purest insight of who I actually am as a person.

Divorce is as emotionally raw and as life changing as you get. Feelings bounce all over, constantly testing the new waters in ways you would never guess, and I wanted the divorce! I know I will and have show good character, even with my lack of control now and then. Yes it is a heavy overcast day, while it isn’t ideal, I can use it to have positive impressions and move on with grace. https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/impression/

Moving Through the Everglades 

Learning to be comfortable in my own skin has been a process of growth and acceptance.  I’ve worked hard to like who I am as well as not be overly critical of myself. The process has been an ardent one and eye opening. 

From a young age I remember feeling awkward with my choices, decision and appearance, as well as fearful of my existence. I now realize my inabilities to see myself in any positive light were predomantly caused by the upbringing  I had and my parents insecurities. 

My father was by far the better of my parents, but both were damaged goods and not ideal parents.  Because of their issues and warped way the saw the world I had a  lineage of emotional baggage to overcome. It was compounded by my own personal insecurities.  

From a young age until recently, it has been a long process of revelations on my part:  I’ve had to rewrite many of the internal messages I thought were truth. My parents insecurities were projected on me and their behavior gave me the impression something was off with who I was.  I was constantly second guessing myself.  

I do not know what ultimately set me apart from the rest of my family, but I do know I wasn’t willing to let life pass me by.  As young as 11 I remember setting my own bed time and vowing to be different and live my life with purpose. At 11 you don’t know what that means, not even partly.

I can’t say what steps I took on my own path of enlightenment, I just knew I couldn’t live how the rest of my family chose to.  Early on I worked at taking control of my life. I had no idea what that meant or how to do it, but like so much of life it was a process. 

When I married I truly believed my husband wanted what I did. I felt he suffered as I had and we were destine to succeed.  I knew it would be harder for him, as he didn’t know what to look for, so I would help him.  That did not work.

In time (22 years) it would finally occur to me, he only wanted the security of having someone, the benefits money gave, and the overall appearance, he didn’t care about what was behind it.  He didn’t want to change he wanted life to give to him. 
After years of putting up with diplorable behavior and actions, I left.  I now realize in order for me to have been able to do that, I had to be secure and confident in mysef as a person, at least enough to be able to be confident being alone.

The confidence came from living out the fears I had and facing them head on. It wasn’t a conscious choice for me to suffer, but came at the hands of my husband and his own inabitlies to face demons and fears. Every fear I had he managed to have our family unit deal with.  To survive the only choice I had was to meet them, face them and concure them. As the emotional leader of the family I felt I had to project confidence and do what must be done, after all I had children I had to be the example for.

I’ve never been one to sit and wait, I have to do something to improve where I am.  Because of that drive any issues I’ve ever been faced with I found a way to take it on and overcome it.  I’d bunker down and plow forward absorbing confidence along the way.  I’d start out a mess but as I’d go through the motions I’d gather momentum and strength.

I’m not one who likes baggage or lose ends, everything has to have closure in some way. Hence my incessant need to know why and figure things out.  If I have the understanding, even if I don’t agree with it, I can accept it better, deal with it and move on.

 In the beginning of any difficult position I’m in, I look like a mess, heck I am a mess.  It’s while working on gaining my bearing I find the fortitude and strength to go on and become a powerhouse.  Adversity has never held me back and since I’m afraid of being afraid I do all I can to overcome fear. 

I don’t think I’ve ever been held back for long.  I am a fighter and strong, even if I don’t always feel so or look like it. All the pain and suffering I allowed into my life has made me who I am.  I can’t say I feel happy about some of the experiences I’ve endured, but they have helped me to grow and be who I am now.   

For the first time in my life I am anchored securely to who I am as a person. I’ve let go of others deciding my worth or value.  In fact I’ve shunned their opinions of who I am and am comfortable in deciding that for myself.  

And to my (almost) ex husband, the issue isn’t me but him, and how he values himself.  I will not be his demise, nor he mine.  We are all responsible for our choices, actions and how we chose to live.  His undoing and failure as a person will be his undoing. I’d be lying if I said I hope he has a good life.  I don’t.  But I don’t hope for ill will. I just know who we are and how we live our life is what determines how we will turn out.  If his past is any indication I’m certain I know his future.  
I on the other hand, I am moving on and learning to accept what I can’t change.  I’ve let go of the parameters I held as my boundaries and am free range as I navigate my future.  I chose to take control and let go …