Stratosphere; Where There is Peace.

I wanted to share something, but I’ve been unsure what to write. I’m sitting outside watching a girls softball game for no other reason but because it isn’t something I’d normally do.  Things in my life are not as I want them so I focuse on the things I do want.  When I write I feel connected and right now I need that. 

The clouds are gorgeous against the blue late afternoon sky.  Reminds me of paintings I’ve seen at the Art Institute for the romantic period.   Of course these pictures do not do the sky justice. Only seeing the sky in person, feeling the amazing breeze against my bare arms, hair blowing off my shoulders, do I really feel connected.  Pictures can evoke feeling only based on experience but their is nothing like the real thing.  

I wish I could adequately express how and why nature elicits the feelings I feel, or why nothing has ever made me feel so alive and appreciative,  but somehow my words never come close.  Perhaps that’s what made me such an oddball.  Well I do not think I’m an oddball but I get the sense people see me like that.  I’ve never been a materialistic person, or drawn to people for what they have, but rather for who they are.

I have been a part of then minimalist movement before it was a movement.  I’ve never understood waste, or over buying or people who like flash over content or doing more, more, more. It has always been important to me to understand and know people and the content of who they are.  

So why has it been so difficult for me to find people who are like me?  I’m a pretty simplistic, easy going person, who believes in being true to oneself.  I have a deep intellect but not about superficial things and I’m not one to just settle. 

As simple as nature is it is also complicated and I have such respect for it.  Actually I have respect for people too, and am ok letting people be who they are, even if I do not agree with them or they don’t agree with me.  I assimilate and accept, so why can’t I be accepted?  

I listen to people talk and hear how great their family’s are, the relationships they have, how much they love their significant other and I wonder, what did I miss?  I’m a pretty nice person, semi attractive, easy going, and I have never had someone who was respectful of me and loved me like they describe.

My nuclear family sucked.  Their was no affection or acceptance for who I was.  My parents should have never been parents. My marriage I intendit it to be for life. But at some point I had to take care of myself, so I left.  Yes, I do have my children, but I am there for them they shouldn’t be their for me in the same way.  At least not until they are older. 

I have an emptiness within me and all the garbage that has happened to me makes me wonder when will it be my time?  I’m constantly told I don’t deserve what has happened, that I’m a wonderful person, and yet it hasn’t helped.  

I’m starting to lose my faith and belief that doing  the right things and treating people with kindness will give back to me.   I’ve always been like this and as I age I’ve become more true to my values and beliefs, and it has gotten me no where. 

The only faith I have left is in the beauty nature gives me.  As I look at the sky, I wonder if some day my time will come, or if it has set with the sun.

Happy Birthday

Today, my middle child turns 18.  I woke with her asking me to zip up her dress frantically as she was late for work, after she left and I had the ability to finally awake fully I realized what day it was and immeadiately called her. 

She knows I’m dead ass broke and isn’t expecting anything for her birthday.  Knowing this she envied me out to lunch and a walk afterwards to celebrate her day.  Of course I ended up paying the bill.  It’s the least I can do, I’d actually like if I could do more.  Instead I will just show her my love, respect and admiration.  

We both ordered, her something vegan and I a cheese burger. While waiting I snacked on bread sticks and ate soup.  When my food finally came I had sucked down three iced teas and ate about 4 breadsticks with my soup. The burger while good had no place to go but home with the fries as I was stuffed.  

The walk as she stated, was a let down, as the place she took us was more a field than a path.  But it was outside and with her, so I’m happy.  

During our meal she asked what her curfew was and if I was upset she was around someone who smoked.  I told her she needed to check in at cerfew time but really didn’t have one, she needed to be responsible and I’d be ok.  In addition if she wasn’t out too late I’d be ok.  She seemed satisfied. As for the smoking, good choice and what ever she decided.

I’m pretty blessed.  My children have always been open and honest with me and are people I can trust to do the right thing.  I’m not saying I know all their deep dark secrets, but I’m pretty sure they really don’t hide much from me.  Of course there are certain things I do not want to know and they don’t want to share.  That’s perfectly ok by me.

I love that my daughters are so close to me and like me as a person.  They really like to spend time with me on a consistent basis,  and I like who they are an awful lot.  As I mom I’m pretty blessed to have a great relationship and bond with my children.  I’m the lucky one.  

Happy Birthday beautiful daughter!

The Draw of PolarityĀ 

When I was a kid I had this magnet I loved for no other reason but I could. I loved watching how it was attracted to other medals, and how strong it’s polarity was.  It was a red u shaped magnet and it had a silver colored base (the size of a piece bazooka gum) that belonged to it at one time.  I don’t know when but the base disappeared.  My guess is because it really wasn’t needed for the magnet to work, however it really worked best with the magnet.  

When I was a young child, it was on the side of our fridge where I’d play with it all the time. When I wasn’t playing with it, it held papers on the side of the fridge where I’d slide it all over.  I can remember the substantial strength of the magnet and as a child struggling to pull it off the fridge.

When my parents divorced I took the magnet with me where it sat on my mother’s fridge until I moved out on my own.  As long as I can remember I have had that magnet and while it is a superficial item it has alway had sentiment value to me.  Occasionally I pick it up, reminisce as I feel the cool metal as my childhood comes flooding back. 

The magnet isn’t as red as it once was, bare metal shows through from being handled so much, but I do believe I’ll have it my entire life.  There aren’t many things I can say that about, or people for that matter.  

Relationships are much like magnets.  You meet someone and the attraction pulls you together, as if you are meant to be.  Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason as to why attraction takes place.  You hope it is spontaneous, you hope you don’t keep repeating or being drawn to the same type of person.  But how do you really know they are wrong until you’re drawn in?  Will the person be your base or will your polarity push them away because they really aren’t meant for you.  

What really is it that draws you to another?  Is it because you seek out (without realizing it) the same traits without knowing you are? For what ever reason you just want that person in your life?  I am scared to death I will be drawn to someone as deplorable as my ex.  I’m not ok with passive aggressive behavior or entitlement, both of which he was and I also grew up with; but how do I prevent [my] history from repeating? While passive aggressive behavior isn’t healthy or ok, I know it, so therefor am I doomed to repeat finding another passive aggressive mate? 

I cease to stop being myself around a person who is passive aggressive.  Not out of fear, but I’ve always been taught to just accept it and move on.  My needs, wants desires are suppressed because I genuinely don’t mind compromise, I do however hate being taken advantage of, or being given a double meaning, which inevitably happens and as a result I no longer can be comfortable being myself.   

I don’t want to have to explain my feelings, or why I was hurt like something is wrong with me. I want someone better in my life than I settled for (in the past).  I want to find someone who can be up front, who thinks of me and recognizes and appreciate our differences and doesn’t expect me to settle. Say what you mean, why is it so hard?  I want a real base, I don’t want a repeat. Until I find my (true) base,  the fridge will work.  It’s not an ideal fit but it has lasted.  At least I’m front and center:) that way. 

A Sunny Disposition

šŸŽ¶Today is a sunny sunny sunny today is a sunny sunny day.  šŸŽ¶

Most days when the weather is sunny out we sing this to each child individually.  We take our pointer finger and gently touch the periphery of their face as the song is sung.  The children smile brightly.  

Their faces, and just being around them change my outlook on my own life, daily.  It’s hard to feel sorry for yourself in any capacity for very long, when knowing that their disabilities are lifelong and limit so much of their lives.  However that being said when milestones are met it is a celebration.  

I take such joy in being able to be a part of their life. Helping them helps me especially with how nondirectional my life seems to be as of late.  I feel as if I am stuck in limbo and no amount of leverage I apply helps me move.  Like a heavy rock stuck in a deep divet, you can’t seem to get enough fulcrum applied so the rock will be forced to move.  

I’ve bent every way you can imagine and yet it isn’t enough. My ex is so full of anger and rage toward me and doesn’t care how or what he inflicts.  It’s sad really.  He is the hold up on why we aren’t moving forward.  He would rather make me suffer, for spite it seems.

I’m not really suffering, however life is difficult and at times unhappy but I really try to find something that brings me joy all the time.  The kids I work with are my saviors, as well as the people who have had me do work for them – I’m given purpose, if only for a fleeting momen.  Then of course there are my children and friends, who I love dearly because of who they are. 

I can’t imagine not having the love and support in my life as I do in the ways I’ve been blessed to receive it.  Each and every one of you has shown me love, respect and care.  I am one who will give one hunderd percent, and know if I wasn’t who I was you would not be who you were to me.  

Please to not think for an instant I take anything you have done for me for granted.   Some day I hope I can give back all of the love and support you gave me, because I want you to know I so appreciate it.  I have no idea where my life is going, no one truly does, I just know the road is so much more sunny with you in it.

Today is a sunny sunny sunny today is a sunny sunny day.  

Over Drive

Constantly, I feel like I have wheels moving in my head.  The gears of thought, plans and purpose turn over and over propelling me forward.  Sometimes they try to come up with the unknown, which isn’t possible.  

Over the course of the last two weeks my gears were in overdrive.  So many many things going on I could almost feel the movement of thought in my head.  Afraid to have it suddenly stop I pushed on.  

It never did just stop, however it did slow to a considerably realistic speed. My thoughts no longer raced passed in a blur, and I had time to sort out feelings from thought and find some hope.  

Yes there was so much to contend with, so I stopped trying to work on all of it, and focused on what I could contend with.  Somehow by find purpose in something else it usually helps me find the answers to what was driving my thoughts so ferociously. 

Maybe it is the fact only my subconscious is working on it, or I find answers for other questions when my focus is deviated. In any case, the answers to the moment at hand, was yes, I could find inner peace by focusing on something I loved.  I spent days working on a garden space.  It was hard work, but also relaxing, cathartic, and satisfying.  I dug in the soil, pulled weeds, fixed boarders and finally planted.  

The soil prep is so important, and seeing how beautiful if can become by just losening it up is so satisfying, plus it smells good.  I marveled at the satisfaction I got just from this simple act alone and frankly how in awe I was by its beauty. 

The weeds came out remarkably easy, I had to smile.  It turns out that while the homeowner loved her weeds she also loved a weed barrier even more!  Fleeting thoughts passed through my mind, “how nice these came out so effortlessly.”  I likened it to my own life and how difficult things presented themself at first.  I wondered what was my weed barrier?  

The thing about gardening is I have the ability to let my thoughts go and have no focus but what I am doing.  Thoughts will from time to time pop into my head, but mostly my focus is on the repetitive relaxing feel I get on so many levels from gardening.  

I feel my muscles working, my hands gripping, the sweat pouring down my face, I feel absolutely connected to what I’m doing in such a exhillerating way. To know I have an ability to create such beauty when frankly it seems to be lacking in my own life at present is uplifting.  

I cannot even begin to tell you the absolute joy I got from creating their garden.  I so hate heavily landscaped house fronts. I’d rather have an artistically whimsical welcoming feeling that is enviting.  Even formal gardens can be welcoming, but so many of the designs people have at their houses seem to make you feel you are not welcome. 

Nature is about being welcome.  Perhaps that’s why I like it so much.  In my own life so much feels like I don’t belong. Especially as of late.  While I got to be creative, and myself while designing the homeowners garden, the sad reality is I don’t have that for myself anymore.  

Today it is back to reality, harsh, heavy and unwelcoming. I can only hope the wheels that were quieted won’t speed back up and I am flung back into the chaos that is my life.  

Arborvitae ConspiracyĀ 

Funny how creativity hits. I have been working on a landscaping job for a friend. The space is already layed out, I just needed to come up with a design, take out what was in existence (mostly weeds and ground cover) and then plant.  

As I was turning over the soil I realized in the middle of a mound of weeds was a hydrangea.  Inspiration hit.  I dug up the hydrangea and moved it to its new home.  In a matter of seconds (in my head) I had concocted a rough idea of what I was going to plant.  

I moved the bench, positioning it to its new home.  I proudly stood looking at the enviting feel these small changes made.  The few remaining plants were moved to there new perspective homes and haphazardly watered. I stood back at the now cleared space envisioning (poorly) what the finished area would look like.  I knew I would get hostas; the homeowner seemed to like them, plus they had low light demand, as well as low maintenance. I knew I’d get grasses but other than that I had nothing. 

The next day on my way home from spending hours weeding another small space, I stopped at the local garden store to get some plants for the house I was working on. I filled the cart.  It wasn’t like I had a picture in my head, I just grabbed plants.  The theme I chose was based on color and texture.  I worked on pairing plants that I though would give the homeowner the feel she wanted.  (If not I myself got that feel). 

She gave basic details of what she liked, bold, popping color, and plants she said she wanted that were on her property, (all three of them).  When asked if she wanted any trees, she clearly looked at me as if I’d lost my mind and said, “ah, no trees!” 

Knowing how her house was decorated I felt pretty confident I could put together something she would like.  However I disregarded her “No tree comment”, and proceeded to get what I thought she would like; a Japanese Maple.  Besides it was half off, doesn’t grow very tall and has gorgeous fall color. All pluses in my book!

It took two days of plant shopping, me going in grabbing plants putting them in my cart, bringing them back, positioning them, digging the holes and placing the gems in their new homes to complete the homeowners new designed space.  I tied the entire front together, in a way that didn’t seem to have a total planed cookie cutter feel.  The two diffent sides while not matching, matched. 

To help with water, i.e. drainage,  I chose grasses, and based on the sunlight pattern I tried to plant plants that would work thoughtout the day, as sunlight requirements changed. Because I am not a totally fan of the heavy look evergreens give, I try to limit their use, and will use them more as a texture plant, which I did.  

I’m sure it was funny watching me.  I’d bring plants out, and place them where I wanted them to go.  I had no plans I was going off of,  but I knew exactly where the plants needed to be – there was no indecisiveness.  

Lastly I finished up with annuals as a boarder, then watered.  Clearly the homeowner isn’t a gardener, there was no hose, or so I thought. On my go over of the back yard I found the hose, nestled in weeds!!!  

I have to say I love the job I did.  I hope the homeowner gets as much out of it as I did creating it.  If not she is welcome to move! Lol.  

Naw it’s all good. 

SynopsisĀ 

I cringed when I walked into the room, he like me was waiting for our meeting to begin.  Looking at him I couldn’t believe we were married. What did I ever see in him? Really? 

He was younger than me, but he sure didn’t seem like it.  His posture was a bit hunched, and he waked in a lurching way.  Which drew me to his wrinkiled clothing- so unkempt. The clothes looked like he had been in them all week.  

Looking him over, a though passed through my mind, “he looks god awful.”  His hair was slicked back but not from product, my guess is it had been days since he showered.  Yuck.  His skin color looked off. But then again it had for some time. Probably why he was so sick recently. 

It was no longer my concern.  His girl friend, Amy, now had him as a burden.  If she only knew.  If she only knew.  My guess is she believed every word he said, because why would he lie? I had wondered that for years.  When it came down to it, his behavior was narcissistic, classic signs.  Well at least I felt so. A though passed through my mind, “I’m glad he’s gone, Amy can deal with his games.” I smiled.  

My guess is he was probably thinking, “Oh she is trying to make me think she is happy.” I was happy.  He was almost out of my life, except for the occasional communication due to the children.  The I’m going to triangulate you type. Sigh.  I had restablished who I was as an individual and ready to be on my own, and couldn’t wait until the twins were no longer miners. Only a few more years! 

It sucked, if they only knew what a dead beat their dad was.  But it was their choice to see him. I hand no qualms about it, as long as he put the twins first.  But that was the issue, he never put any of our children first.  In any case he was their father.  Just maybe he would change now things were so different.   

Hearing him speak I knew that would never happen.  He was the same little man he always was, petty and mean.  I knew I had done such a good thing when I left him.  Funny how fear can hold you back, and then wham, you leave and realize how much better things are.  In so many ways I was now at peace. 

The twins, the only children who didn’t cut him out of their lives. The others did. While I got it, it really bothered me that his behavior drove them away. He never was parental. The other three wanted nothing to do with him.  I shook my head as my thoughts of what he had destroyed passed through my mind.

Alone. I couldn’t imagine how lonely and isolated he must feel. He sure did have to tell himself lies to accept the fact his children no longer acknowledged him.  That’s the thing, we all have power and unwittingly his behavior and actions pushed away his children, save the twins. Hopefully he could be a better person for them. 

I looked up.  So odd not to feel anything for him, but I was glad I didn’t. I didn’t even want to be here.  But after all I had to.  “In the end it will work out,” I thought I knew it would.  I was strong.

Happy IllusionsĀ 

Today’s prompt immeadeatly made me think about life, specifically how everything  in life is an illusion of sorts.  Everything we experience is about (our) perspective and how we chose to experience and see the world.  

It isn’t easy at times seeing the optimisim in a situation, and looking for the lesson if the experience wasn’t good.  Letting go of the experienced negative behavior for me has been something I had to learned and developed.  Things happen and just because they are not always good doesn’t mean you are a bad person, or life is out to get you, however it can sure fee that way.   

I have learned when you take control of your life, even if things are not where you want them to be, good things do happen.  They can also happen simultaneously with negative things.  I’ve found (the key for me), is laughing at the inexplicable, and joking about the fact it happened and focusing on what makes me happy.

I have worked hard to let go and compartmentalize my feelings to the act they pertain to, by not seeing my life as a whole but as parts of a whole has been a huge help in staying postive. I know it sounds like one day I just started doing this, but truth be told it has been something I worked on continuously for years.  

Toward the end of my marriage I found perhaps the best counselor we ever saw.  (We saw many).  He was a behaviorist and the way he approached people he worked with was insightful and clear in ways no one has ever been.  It helped spawn an interest in learning more about behaviors and how I could work on myself, I’m all for improvement!  “The Road Less Traveled”‘ by Scot Peck, was phenomenally written and a huge eye opener for me.  I cannot even begin to tell you how my perspective changed after reading that book. 

I’m sure the behaviorist notice my change as well, because one day he replied to a complain I had during our marital session about the then husband.  The behaviorist’s response was pretty clear, “you knew how he was”.  And something along the lines of he isn’t going to change. From that comment on I never went back and out right refused to work on anything but myself.  My only guess is why the behaviors chose then to say something was because he saw the changes in me and realized my spouse wasn’t wanting change and he was tired of us.  We had been with him for years. 

After that I started to pull away from being a participant in my marriage, you see I had given and given and not been given to, not emotionally like one should be.  I was ensuring as I pulled away that I gave him every opportunity to prove me wrong, it didn’t happen, I was proven right over and over again. 

Years early I told my husband that if things didn’t change one day I would be done and I would turn my back on him – all my feeling would be gone. I guess he didn’t believe me and took me for granted (for years) because when the day came, it was like turning a light switch on.  Of course  he acted like he had no clue.  

 I was by all account the emotionally strongest I had ever been when I filed and I still continue to strengthen my emotional resolve. At times I do have anger, and sadness, but not so much about him.  He is the expletive he has always been, just became more of one.   While this is not how I had envisioned my life, I have to say leaving him was the best thing I’ve ever done.  And yes I’m fine, I don’t need counseling. šŸ˜®

No longer do I suffer from any disallusions of who he or who I am.  While I would never have chosen this way to understand life better, it problaby was the best thing for me.  I’m happier than I have ever been, and I have no illusions of where happiness comes from.  

So when sandness comes I first accept it.  I realize I am not alone in how I feel, I don’t dwell and  I work though the pain to gain a lesson and move on. Life is too short for anything less.  

I won’t be bitter.  Why should I be?  Why should I be angry?  I want the illusion of happiness, becaaue the more you believe in happiness the happpier you’ll be.
I’m living proof:) 

Need Not Reply

Commitment comes fairly easy to me. I don’t mean being able to jump into a romantic relationship as commitment.  What I mean by commitment is giving my word and having integrity – standing by my values.  I’m a very moral person.  

I refuse to arbitrarily lie and for the most part I do not lie.  For me it isn’t worth it.  The few times in my life where I have it has come back to bit me.  Besides since I am honest nothing can be held over me. I’m not talking about the little lies we all tell; that looks good on you, I’m good, wow you got my promotion (lol).

 I’m talking about the big lies some people tell with no rhym or reason. For instance, some decades ago I was suppose to go out to a New Years Eve party. We had planned to go, it was my intention to go, I was looking forward to it. However, I started feeling off, and told my then husband I was feeling off and wasn’t going.  He must have took it personal, becaaue he thought I was lying.  I’m not sure if I told him to go without me or not but needless to say we didn’t go.  

To this day I have no idea why he did it, but instead of saying i was sick, he made up an elaborate lie as to why we were not coming.  To say I was shocked is an understatement. When I asked him why on earth he would not tell them I was sick, he had no real answer. Suffice it to say he did seem to believe they wouldn’t believe the truth. Which was, I was coming down with something. 

 I still remember to this day, the odd off feeling I had. There was nothing I could put my finger on, but when it finally hit, I was so sick.  I ended up with the worst case of the stomach flu I have ever had, ever.  So bad in fact I almost went to the hospital because I could not keep anything down for days. It was awful.

When we were able to, we went out with a group of friends many of whom where at the New Years party. When they asked about what my husband had said as to why we didn’t go, I told the truth. I do not remember the lie he told, I just know I told our friends that he had lied as I was just sick with a bad flu so we did not do what he said we had.  Many people asked why he lied, my answer simply was, “I haven’t a clue, all I know is I was extremely sick.”

He really had no good reason for lying, his answer just didn’t make any sense to me.  To me, the entire reason I missed the party was a nonissue and should have been a no brainer.  Obviously if I can still recall it, it impacted me. Many of the lies he has told over the years would leave me dumbfounded and had a huge impact on our marriage.  He had no commitment to the truth or honesty and least of all I would come to see to me or our marriage. 

I wonder what causes one to be dishonest in most aspects of their life.  How unhappy they must be with who and what they are to feel lying is the answer.  To this day I do not get it and I probably never will.  For me the commitment I feel to my life, being honest, having integrity, being open and up front says something about who and what I am. Don’t get me wrong, of course I have my faults and am not even close to perfect, by my values and committed beliefs make me who I am.  

I want others to feel about me the way I do about myself.  I trust myself, I like who I am  and it behooves my sense of worth to stand up for honesty and what I see as right. So if you find you need someone who will be a committed friend, worker and woman you know where to find me.  As for the liars they need not reply. 

 

The Drive

I took some time to think about what I wanted to write today.  I didn’t want to continue on the loop I have been on as of late.  I know it can take some time when things happen to be able to regroup and break out of the cycle. 

I’ve gone though everything today in my head, but nothing sticks out as something I want to share.  I figured as I wrote it would come to me, so here goes.

I’ve had a busy day, most of my days are busy during the week.  I run from job to job adding miles to my car and at night run the girls around when they need it. I overall dislike driving, but I do emmesly like my job(s) and I have kids as I said.  Besides we really don’t live in a world that makes it easy to not have a car.

I like the fact I have a variety of  skills, but at the same time I wish I was in one place.  I dislike running all over from place to place as driving seems to excellerate (yes I know) how fast you move in a way that feels, well, unnatural to me. I’m perfectly content running around on my own two feet, I’m in control of that.

I would consider myself someone who does not like to and cannot sit still under normal circumstance.  I’m organized, quick, neat (most of the time), and a go getter. From a young age I was taught, “Don’t put it off if you can do it now.” There was no later.  I’m not sure if this helped entirely frame who I was, or if the fact my dad was a control freak about how and when things should be cleaned.  Or if it was part of who I was, for all I know it is all of it together. 

 In any case, when I process what I am doing, it is with the goal of getting it done now. Somehow driving doesn’t afford the same feeling as being hands on. But as I have aged I have become able to enjoy the process more of taking my time, but I still feel at times anxiety rising.  Sometimes I’ll catch myself saying I need to get it done, need to get it done.  I’m pretty good when I get in a rhythm not even realizing what I’m doing.  

With mundane jobs it’s ok to not realize and be done before you know it, but over all I’m not entirely convinced it is good to be so driven.  (Lol) why?  Well, take driving, the reason I dislike it is I can’t get it done now.  I’m a pretty resourceful person and will find the quickest and easiest way to do something, and well. I also like to have the ability to experience it in natural and authentic way. 

Yet when other people or cars are in the mix you need to deviate and take into account, you just can make snap choices, go fast (safely and within the confines of the law). Besides it hard on your vehicle.  Driving doesn’t work like that, believe me I’ve tried.  

For me the worst is when there is heavy traffic or I have a long distance to drive.  I can feel my anxiety rise, and I get board, then impatient.  Over all I’ve gotten better at not letting the anxiety take over by staying calm.  But still. Go, go, go!

As odd as it sounds I have found that not allowing the anxiety to set up a presence and take over helps me remain calm and in control.  However once you lose focus and let the anxiety take over,  the situation becomes unbearable.  The key is to not lett your emotional state take control.

How does one go about achieve this?  Well, it isn’t easy.   The only way I have learned to do this is by having an emotionally fragile child I had to learn to help teach it was ok, while I was learning with her.  There was no way in hell I was giving up on her or letting her give in. I also have been give an increadible gift of being able to work with a team of individuals who have taught me eye opening ways of working with behaviors.  All I can say is it is like watching  the Wizard of Oz when it changes from black and white to color.  Yeah that profound. 

It also helps I’m extremely observant.  I pick up detail, about anything and everything and I have a willingness to want to learn. To be the best as what I do.  I don’t compete against anyone but myself so my motives are altruistic in nature.  

Of course I get genuine satisfaction which does feed my ego, but I’m proud I’m giving.  I love knowing what I do matters.  Driving just drives me insane.  Not exactly where I want to go in life.