In many ways I feel like my life is coming together, for the first time I see hope off on the horizon. Yet for the dozen or so step I gain in the right direction it seems like I get socked with a gargantuan of negative ones.
I try to keep perspective, I’m actually pretty good at it, but when it all happens at once, it feels like the wind has been knocked out of me. I’m gasping for air, can’t seem to take any in and scared shitless, if it where only the wind being knocked out of me.
I’m a proactive person when it comes to many aspects of my life, it helps me head off stress in helpful ways. It is especially true with things I can control, so I make sure to control what I can. I try to anticipate, plan and take care of things before there is a potential for it to become a real problem and stress me out. It helps I notice everything.
In the last two weeks I’ve had problems with me car. Normally it wouldn’ bother me, as I take care of my vehicle, but it seems Karma has decided I must be humbled for taking joy in my soon to be ex’s own car issues. That and I’m sure Karma knows I don’t have money to pay my bills.
Last week I had to have my van towed, and albeit in the grand scheme of things the issue was minor, it did take money I did not have. I was certain things would be ok and it just was one of those things. I took it in stride and let it go.
However, today on my way home, I noticed the engine light had come on. Realizing I had the car in the shop just a week prior I went back to the same shop hoping the code wasn’t resent as the manual stated could be the cause. That would have been a simple fix, but no it wasn’t that. There was NO, zilch, zero, nary a drop of oil left in the car. I was soon to be due for an oil change, had 20% left until it was due, or the date if I am following that, around the middle of June.
As I said, I take a proactive approach with as many things as I can. Maintenance to me is proactive, so back in March I got many things taken care of and fix when my car was looked over. I got the timing belt replaced, as per my manual and anything else it said should be done. But today something said to me this was different.
This incident reminds me of the last van I had, which was the same kind I have now. By the end of the vans life I had the same issue with the oil completely dissapearing. Nothing leaked out. It didn’t happen once but twice. The second time was only three weeks after it happened the first time.
I am really glad I had my van check today, but I have to tell you, I feel like crying. I have been trying so hard to keep a positive attitude, be dillengent with my bills, and keep my expenses low, but I’m losing ground.
I have my father criticizing my mere breathing, we won’t get into what he has said about how little I make or not paying him or what a terrible person I am, but suffice it to say he isn’t making my already hard life any easier.
Since yeastday I have been told he’d kick me out, told my middle daughter he would kick her out, been yelled at about my car and how I am not doing anything right. My father has the emotional mentality of a 5 year old. The hurtful and mean things he says would make you cringe and cry.
I try to stay strong, and positive but I feel down. I couldn’t even get any really money for my old wedding ring. If you heard how little they were offering, unbelievable. It just made me feel like there is no purpose to it all. The people I should be able to have in my corner and depend on, well it would be better being homeless it seems.
In all these months I’ve gotten nothing monitarily to help with our children. I am forever being told what an awful person I am and the list of things wrong with me, and I am doing everything I can. But today I just can’t do it. I’m not as polished and impenetrable as I am often. I feel like there is no end in sight and nothing positive coming my way – I’m stuck in limbo.
Yes I have had many good things happen, including today with my job. I know I make a difference for the children, I am privileged to work with, but why can’t I make a difference in my own life and seem to move forward better?
As soon as I can afford it, I am going to move. Even if it means I will live in a studio appartment with my daughters, or even rent a room they live with me in. My father is not emotionally good for me, for the girls or my self esteem. He makes me feel like I’m a failure. The list of awful things he has said and continues to say would shock you. I look at myself and wonder if my own parents feel how they do what’s the point?
My life is coming together but at the same time living here has taken away a huge part of who I am. It isn’t ok for me to be myself, it isnt ok to be comfortable, I’m told often if I don’t like it I can leave. I either stay in my room or sit outside to cope. The daughters he does the same thing to. We all hide away from him, and yes he complains about that too.
I blew up yesterday, the constant attack is draining. It it weren’t for my job and the emotional reward I get, I don’t know how I would survive. As I have said before my job gives so much to me, I know I do a phenomenal job at what I do. It frequently is the highlight of my day.
When it all comes together, if it does, I hope I can be proud of how I handled myself.
As for today, I’m just going to cry.