The Bottle

The bottle, I knew it was in the fridge and couldn’t wait to open and drink the wine in it.  In many ways it was the only thing keeping me going through this god awful day.  

I woke with a cold, I’m sure it came on from the stress of the meeting I had the prior day with the lawyers and my ex.  I’d like to use a few choice words to describe him but suffice it to say I’m sure you can imagine.  

The entire time we met he was adamant he get half of the almost nonexistent money left in escrow. Kind of apropo and sums how our marriage really was, all about him.  He fought over what do I get, what will you give me, I want it done this way so I get more money.  Why should I pay that? I was dumb founded it wasn’t about our children, but about him and how he could stick it to me. 

I left the meeting in total shock and felt like I was in a haze.  I was angry and had this burning desire to make him suffer, just as he had me and our children do for so long. I had pulsating anger fueling me and never fathomed I would wake the next day in a terrible state.

I had a fairly busy day,  but some how it didn’t prevent the uncontrollable tears and sobs from coming, all day long. I cried for my children, that I subjected them to this man they called dad.  I cried because any hope of paying my debt off from paying for everything my daughters need for 15 months would not happen. I cried because I couldn’t afford my own place, and I cried because this man was always this way; callous, angry, and selfish, and now it spilled over onto how he clearly felt about his children, his flesh and blood.  

I went to get my daughter from where I live  and my father yelled at me for what was happening in court.  He always knew how the ex was but keeps up his own warped vision of reality and says I never told him.  Needless to say I was told to get out if I didn’t like it after he tried to shoved a table into me. This of course isn’t the first time he has said that, or locked one of us out.  But today it was too much.  On top of this, he said you’re still crying?  Then the blame game began on what I have done wrong with my life.  

I was covered in mud from the physical labor I had done, needless to say I didn’t care.  I wanted to get what I had to finish done and get to the bottle of wine.  I am normally a very clean person but today the emotional state I was in I wasn’t absorbing what was said to me and I couldn’t comprehend it, so showering was the last thing on my mind. I just wanted to get done what I needed to. I felt so alone.  

I’m not sure where my life is going but I am done, completely done with knowing anything about what the ex does and with whom. Obviously he doesn’t care how he looks and how he is seen living the high life. I’m done with my fathers’ abuse and the devaluing way he treats us and the disparaging way he constantly communicates to me and his granddaughters.  I’m done dealing with the fact this is the ex’s baggage and my fathers baggage and not mine and being told it is me.  I have my own issues but their behaviors and issues are not my problem.  

All this made me feel so alone, I have no other family but my dad;compassion and love he doesn’t give, but anger and ridicule I can guarantee. My ex and him are so alike but I never knew until the last 6 months.  

On the way back to my last job the GPS kepted trying to reroute me, I finally lost it, screeming at the top of my lungs, “FUCK YOU IM NOT GOING YOUR WAY!” In that moment I felt more at peace than I had all day.  I had a deep sigh and a wave of relaxation came over me, I felt calmer then I had all day.  Tears still came and went, I needed to get it all out, there was so much that I had to release, but I felt calmer now.  

I finally got back to where I’m house sitting,  I let the dogs out and opened that bottle of wine.  It wasn’t the best tasting, but it helped me to relax and not hyper focus on things I had no control of, well not like I’d like.  I know I have control, and I intend on using it, and yes the cry was so needed.

This man I called my husband for 22 years will not have power over me because of where we are right now.  He might see he has the upper hand but it’s all an illusion of him thinking he has any real power.  People will one day see.  I might not be ok today, but I have things in my life that make me have real power; deep loving friendships, honesty, care, loyalty, love, an unwavering strength that fuels my desire to persevere.  I’m truly happy, and I don’t need possessions to feel that happiness, I know how to communicate my feelings and heal my wounds, and what I need is the love and care of those who are in my circle. 

Possessions don’t make me, so go ahead and make it about money because in the end I will have more value in my life for the right reasons.  

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