Over Drive

Constantly, I feel like I have wheels moving in my head.  The gears of thought, plans and purpose turn over and over propelling me forward.  Sometimes they try to come up with the unknown, which isn’t possible.  

Over the course of the last two weeks my gears were in overdrive.  So many many things going on I could almost feel the movement of thought in my head.  Afraid to have it suddenly stop I pushed on.  

It never did just stop, however it did slow to a considerably realistic speed. My thoughts no longer raced passed in a blur, and I had time to sort out feelings from thought and find some hope.  

Yes there was so much to contend with, so I stopped trying to work on all of it, and focused on what I could contend with.  Somehow by find purpose in something else it usually helps me find the answers to what was driving my thoughts so ferociously. 

Maybe it is the fact only my subconscious is working on it, or I find answers for other questions when my focus is deviated. In any case, the answers to the moment at hand, was yes, I could find inner peace by focusing on something I loved.  I spent days working on a garden space.  It was hard work, but also relaxing, cathartic, and satisfying.  I dug in the soil, pulled weeds, fixed boarders and finally planted.  

The soil prep is so important, and seeing how beautiful if can become by just losening it up is so satisfying, plus it smells good.  I marveled at the satisfaction I got just from this simple act alone and frankly how in awe I was by its beauty. 

The weeds came out remarkably easy, I had to smile.  It turns out that while the homeowner loved her weeds she also loved a weed barrier even more!  Fleeting thoughts passed through my mind, “how nice these came out so effortlessly.”  I likened it to my own life and how difficult things presented themself at first.  I wondered what was my weed barrier?  

The thing about gardening is I have the ability to let my thoughts go and have no focus but what I am doing.  Thoughts will from time to time pop into my head, but mostly my focus is on the repetitive relaxing feel I get on so many levels from gardening.  

I feel my muscles working, my hands gripping, the sweat pouring down my face, I feel absolutely connected to what I’m doing in such a exhillerating way. To know I have an ability to create such beauty when frankly it seems to be lacking in my own life at present is uplifting.  

I cannot even begin to tell you the absolute joy I got from creating their garden.  I so hate heavily landscaped house fronts. I’d rather have an artistically whimsical welcoming feeling that is enviting.  Even formal gardens can be welcoming, but so many of the designs people have at their houses seem to make you feel you are not welcome. 

Nature is about being welcome.  Perhaps that’s why I like it so much.  In my own life so much feels like I don’t belong. Especially as of late.  While I got to be creative, and myself while designing the homeowners garden, the sad reality is I don’t have that for myself anymore.  

Today it is back to reality, harsh, heavy and unwelcoming. I can only hope the wheels that were quieted won’t speed back up and I am flung back into the chaos that is my life.  

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