Eric and Kathy in the Morning 

I am overwhelmingly marred by the jurisprudence I’ve dealt with. The substandard lengthily time I put up with inferior representation, lack of financial support for our children and a rash of other unacceptable goings on.   

I’m dumbfounded by the lack of scrupulous shown when they have other people’s lives in their hands. They have no understanding or compassion because the monetary gains they will come away with do not make them want to care.

I took matters into my own hands, my new lawyer has my back. For as much as she will be able to do. Had my last lawyer asked for child support when this all started, I asked over and over again.

It is hard for me to joke or make light of the situation at times. We had three children together, he works an inferior amount of hours and is supported. I have college to pay for, medical bills, my own health. Let’s laugh about that! Hahhaha. Yeah no.

Some of the very same people who joke about very said things in their life get we are here for you, and truth be told, I feel alone. The last day bottomed out. No idea why. Somehow all this bad luck came my way. Guy with road rage, attacked by an animal, stood up, which all helped to compound the other things I’m balancing.

Really is something that off with me?

I’ll be the first to admit I’ve probably hung my laundry out too much, but what else do I have as restitution? No, some of this shouldn’t be common knowledge, but I am sick and tired of how he has gotten away with everything he has done. I sit here, having lost so much, doing my best to help our children and give them a feeling of hope when right now I have none.
I work hard and don’t cut corners 

Being faced with mortality usually makes one humble and nicer, instead I met vicious and mean.

No one is handing me a tidy nice life, yet that’s exactly what he got. Karma? I am beginning to doubt its existence.

Yes I am angry, yes I am hurt. Yes I am done! Done with this lopsided, unfair, hurtful way life has been for me and my children. I WANT MY TURN AND MY TIME!  When will this end?
I just want it to end. 

The Power Of Words

Most of our life is about wants and desires. We lust after and for a tangible item to quell our fantasy of what we are hopping to gain or achieve. Most times we lust for sexual desires, the same desires that fill our mind.

Imagined or not how do you communicate you desire for nonsexual intangible items?

I recently read a post on Facebook


I lust for a relationship that is well rounded, where my emotional needs, my attributes and skills are also found to be just as appealing as my sexual assets (or lack there of). For me it has been far more important to be acknowledged for who I am as a person and not what I have as a woman.

Sex is an innate part of who we are, much more so than letting someone know they are valued for so much more.

Constantly imply and saying you want someone turns you into a possession and I feel the value of who I am is lost. Regardless if sex is an innate part of who we are, as a species we have evolved to use our emotions, thoughts and feelings to convey a deeper bond. Sex alone doesn’t make you close to someone, not in a way that will fulfill you in any meaningful way that can be sustained. 

The fundamentals of any great relationship are based on respect, kindness, openness and having a friendship first and foremost. Sex alone is not an adequate form of expression, and it should supplemental to the relationship. Don’t get me wrong, there certainly are times one has sex just for the pleasure, but ultimately if you want your relationship to be well rounded other needs must be nourished with the same drive. (Pun intended)   

I am not a woman who wants to be taken care of. I am more than capable, strong and can stand on my own two feet. What I want is someone that will allow me to be who I am, by letting me shine or falter without thinking they must save me or be ashamed of me. At the same time I want to know I have them for support and can draw from them, and them from me.     

I’ve learned a hard lesson, but a good one. People are who they are, you cannot mold or change them, even if they lead you to believe they want what you want. It has taken me way too long to see words and actions must match. It doesn’t matter what they say, if their actions don’t follow what they say and vice versa, it isn’t going to happen. No amount of trial and error or convincing will change the outcome if you keep using the same elements. Yes I know you want to believe, but it won’t make it true.

I’m extremely willing and capable of face what life has in store for me. If for any other reason than because this is my life and I have a stake in its outcome. I am not going to let days pass into years, and come to find out I let happiness slip through my fingers.

Great things happen, terrible awful things happen, it’s part of life. Guess what?! I’m here to experience it al! Learning to lust for what really matters as I work to find it, will just increase my drive. It’s there, but like anything (good or bad) it takes time.

Confidence 

Inside of me

a voice cries out

I’ll break free  

Without a doubt  

I’ll grow inside

pest I’ll be

Until you do

Set me free

I am your strength

Your guiding light

I help you do

What is right

Do not waiver

Do not fear

I will protect you

And commandeer

I’m your cypher

You will see

You have courage

Brawn and clout

You’ll rise above it

You’re on route

When you glance (back)

To check your mount

No longer

Will it be

As you’re not her

Now you are she

A powerhouse;

Confident with pride

A beacon of

What you’ve survived.

The gate is there

A few more steps

With pride and grace

Your inner strength 
Now let go

and embrace

Who you are,

Your new face

New Moon of August 

A culmination  

Of what’s to come

What’s been whitewash

Will be undone

The haze of August

Will leave you blind

As an intense alabaster light

The dawning horizon

Will grow for me

Devouring the darkness

You set to seed

Fear no more

I wait to the end

This chapter will close

A new one begins

Ebbs and flows

Wax and wains

The new moon

Will show

A sight unseen

In the shadows

Until it can glean

Guilt by Assocation 

I pose a question: If one doesn’t have many friends, but one (close one), and over all that friend is not a good person in general, but to you they are pretty good, is that a person you should keep as a friend? Is there a justifiable way of keeping a person like that in your close circle, when you know they have done awful things? What does that say about you as the friend that has someone in their life like that?

My personal opinion, it matters greatly. If a person is inherently a dishonest manipulative person it shouldn’t matter if you have no friends, standing by and keep a friend that treats people in a manner you would not, in my mind is altering your values and settling. As people we have free will to make friends and it is our choice how many friends we have and the quaintly of friendships we have. Allowing a
shallow non- caring person, who is fundamentally amoral and lies into your close circle says volumes about who you are, and what you will allow as a person. I’m not ok having it justified, well so and so doesn’t have many friends, and might not understand what a real friend is or the qualities it would entail.

Mind you I totally respect the person who talked to me about this, as well as her point of view. However after careful consideration and deep though, I came to the conclusion that the opinion that she  believes and carries is deeply flawed. It is
sidestepping responsibility and accountability for who we choose to associate with. It gives the impression we are similar in content to the person or they could possibly have something to hold over us.   

I’m just not of the positional view to believe, “so and so doesn’t have many friends”, so it is ok. No it is not! You stood by and allowed this person to represent your value system because you supported them.

As people we have our integrity and morals to uphold, and if by chance you play with the wrong crowd you are guilty by association. Should I feel sorry for you? No! You made the choice, a free will choice!

You can tell yourself what ever you want, but when it comes down to it, it makes you just like your friend and shows you are no better.
Yes friendship is so important, but a friend normally has similar ways of viewing the world and seeing things. 

I know for me this is a huge sticking point, and no amount of justification or explanation will convince me it is appropriate behavior or acceptable.

You can tell yourself what ever you choose to but it the end you and you alone have to live with the choices you made

Who am I?

We all think in some way as an individual we are different. That no one could possibly understand what we are going through and dealing with. Sometimes I myself feel low and other times, well things that should hit me hard don’t, at least not at the time.Much of what I have had to pass through in my life I try to take in stride. I’m told that I’m a fighter and am strong. But what does that mean? It isn’t as if I truly have had a choice to change what is happening at present or along the way, or have a choice to not face it.

I feel like somehow I deserved all the things that have mounted on my plate. The time I spent in fear, hope and perseverance wanting something that never did exist.

Perhaps I was wrong to believe in the value of love, friends or family and should of though only of myself. Or maybe I though too much of myself and the picture of what my life should be.

I am faced with the reality and truth that the person I never really knew was insidious and I looked like a fool for standing by him. Year after year I allowed him to erode who I was, a fragile shell of a person. I undervalued myself and dismissed the skill set I possessed and as the years went by I became a shell of lost existence.

You cannot understand, or maybe you can, but from a young age I was told I was a no one and what I though/felt was wrong. If the people you should be able to count make you feel that way, how do you find who you are and learn to value yourself?

I realize I cannot just blame him, I am after all my own person. But he prayed upon those insecurities, my guess because he was projecting his feelings of himself. Instead of casting aside his cruelty I embraced it as truth, my truth. Lie after countless lie, I disappeared into a lost existence, believing his words while being confused by his actions.

I am faced with ongoing misfortune. I try to believe that “real” love is possible, but the fact remains you only know what you are shown. Interpretations whether right or wrong, form our beliefs. The couples’ house the ex to be stayed at, as I have said the woman was my friend. Meeting her one night, she got the impression I was attacking her, and as I was later told, coming at her and threatening her. She had not really talked to me in months but still took the ex’s word on what I was doing as truth, then proceeded to yell at me for what she believed was right. I was flabbergasted. I now realize she never knew me or really cared. She mistook my pain for an attack and my emotional state for a threat and his words as righteous. She made my situation about her and refused to see what her actions caused and yelled at me for the fact she confided in me about my soon to be ex and acted like I should be neutral with what she told me about him.

My ex lived rent free at the couples house for almost a year and continues to live rent free with his now girl friend, spending all his money on himself. He has remained under employed, lied about everything under the sun and yet I am the bad person.
Explain to me how that is possible? He lies, he lied and he is believe. I am honest, forthright and not believed. Why? I’m loud and I am upfront. Yep.   

There is a travesty going on. I finally realize I have to walk away. The person she is, my ex husband (hopefully soon) and others like them have one single trait in common, they are passive aggressive in their communication style and they seem to feed on drama.

I am face with some health issues, an inability to have my own place to live, and being what I feel as a nuisance burden to others. Yes as much as I would like to put the blame entirely on him, the fact remains I made the choice to stay for as long as I did and now I must pay the irrefutable price.

I am not strong. I do not have a choice. I need to face what is ahead of me with optimism and perseverance, as well as using this and other avenues as a sounding board. Yes it is personal, but I am so tied of walking in the shadows as if I should be ashamed of who I am.  I have nothing to hide, my actions speak volumes for who I am.  I deserve a good happy life and I embrace it.

Maybe I shouldn’t be so transparent, but I find it sets me free in a way that validates me. I need that.

I hope in time everything for me will work out, and I will have the life I am trying to make for myself. I am indebted to each and every one of you, who has given me any space in your mind, the thoughts you keep or your heart you care with.  I am not anyone special, I don’t stand out, but I do have tremendous value and love. I care, so much, more that you know and now I am out of the shadows perhaps there will be a place for me.
 

I can only hope my life will start to level off and I will finally have it all behind me.  I long for that day…

You’re a Cancer

Through the perils I have fought

Every wave a new turn

Never would I have thought

I’d live with indisputable shame

Mind you, not at what I had done

Imperiously it was you

Sadly the haze

from my clouded judgment

Took so long to lift

Seeing you plan and clear

Oh dear was I amiss..

 

All the perpetrated

Heinous acts

The lineage grows and grows

Now I’m faced with abnormal squamous;

From your treacherous blows.

Never did I stray as you

And your demonic ways

No longer will I hide the shame

Of the deplorable man you are

I share with you, the entire world

What was done to me.

Why you ask, is it a game?

No, vindication and reclamation

Your power, you no longer have

everyone, and Ehm-ah- eem

Unequivocally do see

Iron in the Fire

Early. For me. I woke up eyes popped open and got out of bed, within minutes of waking up. It’s amazing what a dose of iron can do for your energy level. I thought I just loved my sleep! What an awesome feeling to feel full of charged energy and ready to start the day!

In case you were wondering, yes I found out my iron was low. Severely low. I take my health seriously as heart disease and a gamma of other

health issues run in my family, as a result I am proactive with my heath. Turns out the only issue was the iron, apparently I must be doing something right, save the iron deficiency.

After four days of taking iron supplements, and of course good sleep, I awoke eager to partake in my my beverage of choice,
tea.  I am outside, deck bound, sipping the most wonderful cup of hot smooth tasting tea, (thank you LemOn), actually enjoying the morning, but itching to start my day. What a weird feeling to feel like this after so long of feeling tired all the time.  

I feel like I have to do something, lots of physical work. I have this desire to clean and organize. Wow.
Yep that’s me!

For now I will enjoy this summer morning. smelling the air, feeling the breeze and enjoying my tea. For all you coffee drinkers, (which I am not, nor have I ever been one), tea is by far the superior caffeinated beverage!

Tea to the right, book to the left, sun breaking through the clouds, dogs at my feet, what could be better?!

Yeah, yeah, that goes without saying. Now that I feel charged with energy ….

Success is Sweet when Earned 

Waking, the slow non-obtrusively calm feeling it is, to not have to rush. I woke on my own, no alarm was needed, so yes, when I opened my eyes I had a relaxed smile on my face. The certitude I felt, was a long time in the making, and came from my take-charge nature, which kicked in to overdrive recently.

The vexing feeling eating at me, is now but all removed as the weight I carried disproportionately fallacious, now seems light and manageable. I feel there is a purpose and an end just on the horizon. No, I will not avoid, I will concur (my own fears and misgivings) and I will grow from what I face. There is an end in sight. Mulling over what I learnt, the knowledge base I gained from the experience(s), albeit treacherous at times, I smell a frangrance as sweet and voluptuous as the most aromatic hyacinth in spring, and I name it strength.

I have power, not from taking what isn’t mine, but from the serendipity of knowing I have out preformed myself in the most righteous of ways. What ever the outcome I hold my life’s endeavors sacred and my skill set as a beacon of fortitude, that I cannot be shaken by a person devoid of conscious, morals and integrity. I stand tall. The trench, as difficult and unrelenting as it was, feels glorious at the summit and now back to the humble ground I call my home.

It is not about power, no it is about ones’ ablilty to respect the process as much as the end and know that when I had the chance I did what was right. 

A Hot Steamy Day 

The methodical sounds of intense rain woke me. I was bound, wrapped in my covers, drenched in sweat. Opening my eyes I saw a flash of bright light followed by an intense boom. I unraveled myself, spread my arms and legs so they stuck out of the covers and drifted back off to sleep. There was no way even if it was morning I was getting up, besides the rain was lulling me; calm and peaceful, as steady rain normally is. I closed my eyes and I was gone…
The fiercely covered, bright cloudy grey sky, which was unable to dissipate from the high humidity and the dripping wet aftermath of heavy arduous storms, held the days heat at bay. But then at nine in the morning in July you’d expect it to be moderatly like this.  It was later the heat should come, intense, humid, and sticky. An indicative summer day in Chicago all too common, and yet, not common at all.

The weather, who doesn’t love the freedom warm summer days bring? Somehow summer makes you feel carefree, invigorated with passion and life. Time seems to slow, at least for me and I enjoy the bounty of freedoms only warm weather offers.  I feel for the first time in years my life seems like my own. I know that sounds odd, but in my marriage there was a latent period of dormancy of who I was, I didn’t come first.   

My life was on hold and dormant for so long and I had the weight one should share, shackled to me.  There was no time, there was no me, not in the sense of being an individual. I’ve sense found me:). I like getting to be me again, this is the summer of me!  (Well, me plus my children!) 

Every day I enjoy the tranquility a hot steamy summer day in Chicago brings me or what ever Mother Nature dishes out; a rainy, humid day. The clouds might be hinding the sun but I’m shining bright!  This summer, my first summer of me, is mine:) I feel alive with purpose.  I’m not shackled to a sentence of lost hope, I’ve found it, in myself and the endeavors  I’ve achieved. 

Soon, very soon, I will no longer have to deal with the tempest, he will finally be removed from my life and put in his place.  What ever that place may be, it will no longer concern me, and he can no longer use me as his scapegoat. 

I woke to tumultuous storms, and now, the aftermath, a loud quiet calm, not of shallow indifferance, but tranquill peace.  It reverberates through me, gives me what I need most, to embrace my life, and be happy for this transition.  While summer didn’t do it I’m glad to use it as a vector of my strength.