I feel as if I am waiting for something to happen, like the piece of a puzzle falling into place. This last year my life has been so chaotic mostly because the upheaval my divorce causes, but also because I feel kind of directionless.
With a looming divorce you really can’t let go completely of your old life, until the divorce is final. Because you cannot fully let go, you cannot completely move on. Thoughts and feelings over the negativity divorce brings prevents being able to let go completely because you are made to deal with aspects of the old life, even if you don’t want to.
Really I want to move on. I want this limbo to end. It seems so unrealistic that it should be so grueling, but he is making it so. Of course he could end it all but for him it is all about his gains and money, that is based on what he has said to me. He would rather let the money run out then let me have it.
It has taken me since our last meeting to process this all. How dispicable he is and loathsome. I have no idea why he needs to be like this. It is shameful, because it has hurt his relationship with his children and for the first time I see the real person he has always been. I cringe.
I cannot even begin to believe I married someone so down to the core awful. He made sure to throw in my face his girlfriend has a PHD. But all I could think about when he tried to insult me with her high education was, ” then something must be wrong with her if she can’t see who you are!”
Really who would take on a man who isn’t divorced and move them into their house, who doesn’t work full time, and has no money but someone who is desperate for love? I can’t help but feel sorry for this woman, because she must not value herself or even like who she is. Someone like my ex would have know how she felt about herself and used it to his advantage to get what he wants. I say that because he did that to me. I hope it doesn’t take her as long as it did me, for her to realize who he is. If it does she’ll have lost everything at his hand including her self respect. What little she had to begin with.
I on the other hand would be humiliated to have someone pay my way like this. I want to be on my own, stand on my own two feet and pay my way. I want who I am to stand for honor, strength and unwavering perseverance. I want to be respected and looked up to, not as someone who is better but who in the face of fear and turmoil stood strong, confident and hopeful in spite of everything.
I am the person who like a small child scampers into a room with an over abundance of energy and joy. Who knows the value of life and what it means to live with purpose. One day this will all be behind me and I will hold my head high because I have integrity and honor!