I used to think something was off with me because I didn’t have my life’s purpose in front of me at a young age. I didn’t take the road most young people do, confidently heading off to college. I floundered. I had no confidence, no idea what I was comprised of, or any clue of what it meant to succeed.
As a child I was not nurtured in a direction based on the skills I had. I didn’t even think I had any skills. I let my life take directionless me on a journey of my life. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always made sure what I did gave me some joy and happiness, but really I had no burning desire in the things I did, but I did have drive to be exceptional.
It wasn’t until I had children did who I really was start to show. I started off as a mediocre mom and something in me realized I needed to be a great mom. My kids needed a better childhood then I had. My oldest had more of the old me, but as time went on she got the new me. I even told her one day when she was complaining, ” get over it, you are the Guinea pig. Everything is tried on you first… Besides you are never the same person with each child, because you are in a different place and therefor a different person.” She kind of looked at me with shock, but never complained again. Somehow my words made sense to her.
I worked on turned over a new leaf and realized in order to be a great parent I had to let go of my insecurities and let my children be children. I had to be their guide and nurture them, not reprimand them. Don’t get me wrong they also were disciplined, but I stopped using it as the rule. I taught by example, and explained and guided them, so they would grow.
I knew I was good with children, but I worried I’d be like my mother, so never considered the path I ended up on later in life. I know the things I have chosen or set out to do I have excelled at, as they had a pull on what set my sole on fire and gave my life meaning. When I have an interest in something I turn it into a passion and work on mastering skills for it. For me being the best at what I do is important.
I decided I was going to go back to school. I worked diligently on getting my assiociates, geared toward education. I knew I was making the right choice (finally). No longer did I let fear hold me back. I excelled in all my classes. Even the math teachers were impressed with my backward thinking! But they could tell by my grades I was no genius, even if I did come up with some fantastic ideas!
I’ve always liked second grade, and yes the younger kids. After earning my degree, things at home became less stable and my dream was put on the back burner. I had always intended on returning to school, but right now it isn’t possible.
I decided I wasn’t making good use of my degree, so I asked for help. I wanted to be an aide and did anyone know of any positions, and would they be willing to put in a word for me? It came in the least likely of places but someone I never expected helped me.
I know I ultimately got the job on my merit, but because of her I got the chance. With no experience I was ready and willing to aide but never dreamed what working in a multi needs room looked like.
I was destine to work in this type of envirment. I dash excitedly every morning to work. I adore the children I work with. I’ve found what I do rewarding beyond any of my wildest dreams. I am driven to do as much as I can to help the children I work with. I do not do half way, I put myself in their position and work on helping them gain skills that most of us take for granted.
As much as it has helped them grow it has done more for me than I ever could have imagined. To me this is what your life’s work should do. I’ve learned to let go and accept in ways that have guided me to the most profound growth I’ve ever had. I’m sure no longer being in a toxic environment has also helped, but without the insight and experience I’ve gained doing what I do, I would not be who I am now. Thank you JRJ.
I am the person now I was always meant to be. 😊