The Other Side of Darkness 

 I know there are many aspects of life that are difficult, as I have like most people experienced times that are hard. I look at the things I have experienced and dealt with over the years and the determination I have grown, all so I could prevail, for no other reason than because I want to be a participant in my life. The moxie I’m told I have, doesn’t feel like strong character, I do it because I don’t have another choice I’m willing to take.

I’ve been on the other side of determination; lost, floundering, where I eventually gave up. I was swallowed into one of the deepest and darkest depressions one can fall into and it lasted a long time. I can tell you just about the time I gave up and why. I was in the best shape of my life, mother of three and totally empty and alone emotionally in my life and marriage. I was told over and over what was wrong with me, what all my misgiving were, while I endured emotional and physical abuse and nothing I did was good enough and I had no a sole who had my back. I still remember telling myself, “why try?, I’m just going to give up and let go…” So I did.

I let the dark doldrums take me and numb my mind. I slept, and slept and slept, and didn’t care about myself. I didn’t feel I had any reason to go on or care. After all something was wrong with me, so my ex said.

I cannot remember a darker time in my life. Why did I give up? Well, I reached out for help, through marriage counseling and my own counselor over and over and somehow no one could ever see what I was talking about. It was as if I was speaking another language. I would try to explain my feelings, the experience but no one seemed to see the ex sociopathic ways. Somehow it became just my problem and issue and fingers were pointed at me, by marital counselor after marital counselor and I didn’t feel as if I got answers. I cannot tell you how lost, alone and sad I was, so I just emotionally closed up and gave up. If all these people say it was me then why try?

I think I would have had a different experience if even one person came to me and said it is not you. If one person told me they didn’t like him, didn’t feel comfortable around him or could see what he was doing. Even my father didn’t support me and would tell me what was wrong with me. When the world is so profoundly against you and beats you down, and no one seems to support or care for you, the only choice is to fold and let the darkness take over.

I don’t know what the ultimate catalyst was that set me back on the road to find myself, and my emotional health, but I clawed my way back. My recovery started off slowly and as I improved I gained momentum. I realized that while I played a part in what happened to me, partly because of how I felt about myself, I did not cause my ex to be the emotionally unhealthy deviated person he was and is.

I’ve always been willing to take responsibility or fault for what goes awry. I’m human and not above being wrong. But my willingness to accept what I’m not doing or done allowed a heinous person to use me as his emotional vector, and take away the little self esteem I had left.

I realize none of this was really about me, but said people who were good at lying and masquerading falsehoods as truth. I see he didn’t feel good about who he was, and never has. It was easier afflicting me than facing his own demons and emotional strife.

I’m not saying I’m absolved of any misgiving or wrong doing, but I do not need to own his baggage or how he treated me. People who stand with him are willing to believe his stories and lies and tell me I’m not worthy of their time. That’s ok, if all this has taught me anything, it has taught me I do not want people like that in my life and my time it too valuable to be wasted on there excuses.

I have developed a great self esteem and intuitive insight which is my guide. I’m willing and more than able to let go of people who are not healthy to be around, including divorcing my ex.

If you tell me I’m a strong person, I’m not sure if I would agree. But I do have character

 

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