I originally started to write this on how I love to be organized, and how it came naturally to organize and not just things, but my thoughts. However as I typed, up popped a post ridiculing the fact I called a said persons actions and behaviors out. Yes it is passive aggressive to call out a person when we feel they have wronged us, but this person shuts down when it come to hearing someone out. The same person said I was threatening them (and made sure to tell others that), when I was clear on how I didn’t like how they treated me.
I am a very passionate person, and will not be treated with disrespect no matter who you are, so I stood up to the person using my words and feelings against me. This person took personal information she was being fed that was wrong and proceeded to tell me how to handle my life in no uncertain terms. There certainly were grains of truth in what she was told, but grains so small and inconsequential that the facts were changed. Frankly it was none of her business to get involved in a dissolving couples dynamic, but there she was front and center.
I was told by this person I was doing behaviors I wasn’t doing, but what hurt most of all is she implied she would handle herself better and told me and I quote, “I told you years ago to leave the asshole”, like I was getting her permission to move on with my life, like she had a say. I was seething, who was this person judging me? Really? Condemning me for choices I made like she was superior to me.
For decades I have kept all her secrets, even the sorted ones, and this is how she treats me? Lashing out at me for trying to find out what was my personal business and not hers. If she hadn’t put herself in the middle and allowed my then husband to live rent free with her family while condoning his behavior and acting like she and her spouse had no clue of the person he was, perhaps I wouldn’t have felt so upset. (He could have lived with his mother but didn’t want to). But as she said herself ,he is so quiet and you are so loud, why would we believe you? In that instant I knew she was never a true friend and I had been expecting her to be someone she wasn’t or would ever be. You might ask why am I writing this now. Well, I’ll tell you, I am now ready to let go and move on.
With preverbal pen to paper, I pen to you, goodbye. Our friendship was a burden, cold and inept, unable to stand any real test of time, let alone to constitute any real value. I am sad to find out the depth of who you are is a cold, distant and that you are an uncaring wretch. I never knew you to not ridicule me or look down on me and judge me based on someone else’s words, as if there words were truth. Like a lamb who follows, your thought iprocess is not your own, for words you speak are another’s you parrot as truth.
The finality of my life over the last two years and now this last week, well, I achieved huge milestones and a pivotal turning point. With the conclusion of court the other day I have been elated knowing I now am moving ahead with happiness, excitement and wonder having faced my fears, and obstacles, while working toward renewing my drive to live my life courageously. I didn’t need to celebrate the end, because it in fact wasn’t an end but a new beginning. I spent the entire following day reintroducing my old new last name, going from place to place beaming as I handed over the decree.
With all new beginnings we close a door behind us, never to use it again. As I reach forward for the handle on the door ahead of me a streams of light flows in… and so it begins .