The Queen Moves

The emotional turmoil of the previous night set heavy on me when I awoke early the next morning. No message had been set with an update which could mean one of two things, it was a calculated move or nothing had proceeded. Either way, I was kept out of the loop.The conclusion I came to lay fresh in my mind, and while not predetermined I was certain of what must happen. I knew in my gut this was all about control and money, even though I realized it and saw through it for what it was it still hurt. But I knew one thing for sure I had control of how I chose to react, feel and think.

I took ice from the freezer placed them on my eyes as I walked the dog, and tried to be in the moment. No longer was I emotionally frazzled, or sad about what had happened. Don’t get me wrong it hurt and badly, but as I have found so much of life can hurt.

I am a mother of three, I love my children more than words can express. I would and have done everything I believe a parent should do to give my children the love and stability they need. For most of my children’s lives I was the one who was there emotionally for them and who instilled the values they have, even while married. They came to me and I valued the people they were.

My marriage wasn’t a healthy one and for that I wish I could change the effect it had over them and how detrimental it was. My youngest suffered the greatest, but you cannot turn back what has been done. I know this, I’d move hell and high water for her and her sisters, and would do it as many times as it took to save her.

However I find now this beautiful girl I nurtured and loved has expanded her wings and I must accept it. I bow to her and close my eyes as I set her free. Be safe my love, you are always and forever in my heart.

My heart is heavy but at the same time I am in a trance like focus on what I need to do, will do. I refuse to allow her to be used as a pawn, and will not be the one to manipulate her. I lay down my arms. 

I lay down my arms and take the high road.

Alone but Not Forgotten 

I’ve had a day.  A horrifically terrible day. Never would I have imagined life could be this relentless.  Over and over I recited my anguish to myself and a few good friends. I have lived through so much, and yet, when I think it is finally over more comes.  

I get that feeling I can move on, begin to feel confident, and bam! Not today satan!, as my daughter says. I honestly have no idea what was the cause of today’s incident, but I have a gut feeling on what is going on.  Needless to say while I didn’t like what happened, many things came from it.  

Overall I am still working on processing the drama that ensued but suffice it to say what ever happens it will all be over soon.  There is none to my liking, but it will be what it is.  

I cannot remember when I shed as many tears as I did, but while the tears flowed my mind was processing in ways it never has. Have you ever just felt in a way even if you didn’t like what was going on you had been set free in some way?  The key fit not where you wanted it to, but you were glad it did fit where it did because now you could move on. 

I have relinquish a part of myself, drama has never suited me and I don’t wish to engage.  A kind woman, no one I knew was genuinely caring and helpful, for her kindness I am grateful and hopeful. I will find the silver lining to this all even as my heart is filled with such despair.  The truth is never underestimate a person who has hate driving them.  I made the mistake thinking my life would now settle down.  I do hate roller coasters and this one is a doozy and I find it is best if I disembark. 

Too many times we fail to listen to our inner voice or our gut, it will never steer you wrong. I listened but didn’t know what it was telling me, I just couldn’t put my finger on it. I do now, as the events have been set in motion and can’t be changed. I’m ok with that. 

It’s funny I had no idea what to write about not that I’ve said all that much, but mind you it is far more dramatic and inhospitable that even I could not fathom someone would do this, could do this.  I guess when it comes down to it sometimes it boils down to the money, which I feel this is. 

Tonight I say goodbye.  Goodbye to what this night entailed and the emotionally draining way in which it played out. And now I close my eyes.  May kind thoughts follow me and help me with my anguish. 

Peace to all, 

                  But especially me this night. 

Induction

5:30.  I opened my eyes before the predetermined time.  I lay there, with that tired feeling you get when you wake up earlier than normal, looked around at my surrounding, repositioned myself and breathed deeply.  As much as I wanted to close my heavy lids I knew it would be better if I stayed up.  I worked on shaking off the desire to sleep, telling myself  I needed to leave in a bit to go home and I needed to be up anyway.  

After my shower I packed up, sat with my oldest daughter, her fiancé, the middle daughter, (who came along with me for the visit), drinking tea at that kitchen table.  The table I gave her. What a nice morning, sitting and talking, like old times when we all lived together.

Two daughters in college, they had certainly matured and grown.  Seeing how well they respected and loved each other, made me feel so proud of who they were now as friends.  I knew they felt the difference in how their relationship matured, because I sure did.  The car was packed willy-nilly, we said our goodbyes and the middle and I headed home.  

I loved the open expansive spaces of nature when you drive in country areas, it makes me feel a purpose and so alive.  The smell of grasses, how the sun hits, the array of plants, but best of all I feel I belong.  The majestic way the wind causes tress to sway, flowers and grasses to bend, causes light to shimmer as it refracts against the natural surfaces, well, it’s magically mesmerizing.  

I did the driving, so I didn’t do my customary, placing my forehead on the side window to study the landscape.  I however did notice the early signs fall were heading in.  Where green once was, yellows and some burnt umber were emerging every so often as an undertone.  Then we’d pass and see an entire branch that was completely changed.  For the majority of the greenery, I sensed a feeling of tiredness, the leaves had reached their peak, hung like an old slowing down man and were ready for fall. 

Deep in though,  philosophically evaluating what fall meant to me and in general, it occurred to me how short our seasons really were when one measure time.  For trees the season cycle is much like a day for us, or so I conclude.  This observation made me realize how short of a time we really are privileged to be alive.  

As I have gotten older I don’t see season so cut and dry as they are defined; fall, winter, spring and summer. Season overlap so to speak, and I have become very observant looking for and at these changes.  As insignificant as they might be, it is one of our gauges of time, so too are birthdays. Having my children and being able to watch them grow and experience what I have with them, well I wouldn’t change it for the world.  

Now I have a truer understanding of time, life and my expectations, I wish I could slow down and savor what is past. That cannot realistically happen, but what can happen is my appreciation for where I am, learning to focus on the experience, the moment, the feeling, and just loving life.  

A World with Love

I woke early,  put on some clothes, brushed my teeth, put my hair up, and took my daughter to babysit.  I  was dressed to workout, the first workout I would have in weeks, due to a busy schedule not allowing me the luxury of taking care of myself.  I walked into the health club walked over the elliptical, hoisted myself up, situated my water bottles as I set the machine and glided.  Twenty minutes with my eyes closed, enjoying the rhythmic repetitive movement, feeling my muscles work, and believe it or not, relaxing.  After a few minutes I felt the beads of perspiration cover me, and took off my glasses.

Before I knew it, my time finished, I gathered my things, got off and walked over to the bikes.  At the end of the row of bikes, close to the mirrored wall are stairs, facing the bikes are recumbent bikes with just enough room for the power supple on the floor.  As I got on the bike I’d be using for 20 minutes, I notice a young tattooed  woman leaned over and working out on the stairs, working out hard.  Her right arm had a tattoo sleep minus a circular area around her elbow.  I thought it looked neat.  In front of me was a group of later aged individuals; two men to my left and a woman to my right.  They seemed to have great banter.  I closed my eyes  and focused on working out, while intermitted listening to them speak.

Up walked another man, he made pleasantries and took the last bike to the left.  By the look on the woman’s face it seemed like she felt uncomfortable and out of place being the only woman. and waited her turn to speak.  I continued to watch their interactions, trying to not appear like I was intrusively watching,  however I was intrigued by the group dynamic, to the point I was aware what they were doing and what they were saying.  I smiled to myself as another man walked up and joined the group.

It was clear the 65+ group across from me had developed some sort of friendship, and clearly like one another.  But what really made me want to study these people is the fact they really were having a great time together while working out.  You could feel the respect, care and admiration and clearly see the comradery they shared.  It warmed my heart knowing they accepted each other as people, not a black woman, two black men and two white men.

I pondered over the stark difference of the terroristic happening in Charlottesville in contrast to the jovial interactions of these people.  I went over how I make sure I treat people how I want to be treated.  I go out of my way to treat man, woman, animal and all of nature with care and kindness.  Our planet and everything on it needs one another to live.  Plants and trees need the CO2 we exhale, we need trees and plants to breath, some insects need our blood to live, animals need other animals and plants to eat, we get medications and products from many or these sources and yet, it is apparent our current political leader, and his followers, think being white and male makes them the pure, superior race.

How can you be superior treating other people inferior?  How can you think being white makes you better?  It doesn’t, and I’m damn sick of the lack of intellect these people have.  The inexcusable racism a small criminal fracture of our country spews as if a majority feels the same.  I don’t and I condemn you, the KKK, white supremacists, NEO Nazis and anyone else for what ever reason thinks they are superior.  Hear me now, you are NOT!!!

The despicable events in Charlottesville and the idiotic lack of diplomacy and character 45 shows is inhumane, cruel, coldblooded and unrelenting.  The fact that the republican party hasn’t ousted his ass with impeachment, begs me to ask the question:  Where are your morals? Our country’s leader is causing both a civil and world unrest that will have cataclysmic ripples none of us have seen in recent times. My children and their children will not know the America I did, and that sends a prickle over my entire body.

The terroristic hate is being fueled so prolifically by The GOP and it’s unrealistic view of our world.  I’m not saying I have all the answers, but what is happening now is not healthy and beneficial to anyone.  How can anyone condone Hate in any form?  Whats wrong with you America, snap out of if.

 

 

Memoriter

 

The Jiffy mix sat on the counter unopened, the small blue and white box held the contence of some of the best cornbread, and I was about to make it.  The season, late in summer, but cool enough to cause cravings of wonderful fall food.  The chili was on the stove, just finished and simmering.  Ah, it smelled so good and once this cornbread was in the oven, I could almost smell it.  Dinner would be ready.  Of course, the real flavor of the chili wouldn’t set until all the flavors married together, but the way chili went in our family I didn’t think it would make it.

I was so excited, over the simplicity of what this chili and box of cornbread meant.  I could feel the comfort it brought, the aroma, both sweet and spicy with a robust body of texture and flavors flowing in the air.   The corn bread, now able to be detected, smelled alluring and was going to be a wonderful compliment.  My mouth was watering, all my sense were waiting for that moment I could eat.

No it wasn’t fall, but the days had gotten shorter, nights cooler as summer was winding down, and somehow it signaled a calmness and need for weighed comfort.  Perhaps that is what draws us to (certain) seasons, the draw we have to elements that make us feel the most comforted and alive; secure.  The weighed comfortable feel we get from this time of year as life draws to a calm accentuated motion.

In the next few weeks summer will slowly dissipate, school will have started up for many and I will start anew.  I have come full circle, starting this school year much the same as last year, but with a rich newness, a dichotomy of sorts, from a wife to that of a single woman with a family.  Much like a scarf that is taken by the wind into the air, so too is my life as it lifts up, as if time has slowed to a standstill, while cascading in opulence, as it slowly descends down, extended, flowing with life.

I will no longer be riddled with unproductive acrimonious struggles, as my life moves ahead in a continuous calming rhythmic tone.  I have started the transition, with a family I love, and grow with and friends who have made me who I am.  I love this time of year, the closeness I have, being able to sit down to dinner, with those that I love, enjoying a home cooked meal; serenity.  I look up in the sky, feel a coolness on the back of my neck, and relax into an enveloping feeling of possibility.

It’s all up to me now, where I go, who I go with.  I move on with the wisdom of experience, having come out the other side, wiser, stronger, aware and ready, like a scarf in the wind.

The Communication Triangle

I originally started to write this on how I love to be organized, and how it came naturally to organize and not just things, but my thoughts.  However as I typed, up popped a post ridiculing the fact I called a said persons actions and behaviors out.  Yes it is passive aggressive to call out a person when we feel they have wronged us, but this person shuts down when it come to hearing someone out.  The same person said I was threatening them (and made sure to tell others that), when I was clear on how I didn’t like how they treated me.

I am a very passionate person, and will not be treated with disrespect no matter who you are, so I stood up to the person using my words and feelings against me.  This person took personal information she was being fed that was wrong and proceeded to tell me how to handle my life in no uncertain terms.  There certainly were grains of truth in what she was told, but grains so small and inconsequential that the facts were changed.  Frankly it was none of her business to get involved in a dissolving couples dynamic, but there she was front and center.

I was told by this person I was doing behaviors I wasn’t doing, but what hurt most of all is she implied she would handle herself better and told me and I quote, “I told you years ago to leave the asshole”, like I was getting her permission to move on with my life, like she had a say.  I was seething, who was this person judging me?  Really?  Condemning me for choices I made like she was superior to me.

For decades I have kept all her secrets, even the sorted ones, and this is how she treats me?  Lashing out at me for trying to find out what was my personal business and not hers.  If she hadn’t put herself in the middle and allowed my then husband to live rent free with her family while condoning his behavior and acting like she and her spouse had no clue of the person he was, perhaps I wouldn’t have felt so upset. (He could have lived with his mother but didn’t want to).   But as she said herself ,he is so quiet and you are so loud, why would we believe you?   In that instant I knew she was never a true friend and I had been expecting her to be someone she wasn’t or would ever be. You might ask why am I writing this now.  Well,  I’ll tell you, I am now ready to let go and move on.

With preverbal pen to paper, I pen to you, goodbye. Our friendship was a burden, cold and inept, unable to stand any real test of time, let alone to constitute any real value.  I am sad to find out the depth of who you are is a cold, distant and that you are an uncaring wretch.   I never knew you to not ridicule me or look down on me and judge me based on someone else’s words, as if there words were truth.  Like a lamb who follows, your thought iprocess is not your own, for words you speak are another’s you parrot as truth.

The finality of my life over the last two years and now this last week, well, I achieved  huge milestones and a pivotal turning point.  With the conclusion of court the other day I have been elated knowing I now am moving ahead with happiness, excitement and wonder having faced my fears, and obstacles, while working toward renewing my drive to live my life courageously.  I didn’t need to celebrate the end, because it in fact wasn’t an end but a new beginning.  I spent the entire following day reintroducing my old new last name, going from place to place beaming as I handed over the decree.

 

With all new beginnings we close a door behind us, never to use it again.  As I reach forward for the handle on the door ahead of me a streams of light flows in…  and so it begins .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Divorced!!!

Standing before the judge as she decreed us divorced and I could go, I turned around and walked out of the court room beaming with elation. I walked up to my friend back facing my lawyer. She approached me exclaiming the Ex was crying.

I can’t say what was going through his mind and frankly I didn’t care, because I was smiling ear to ear and elated. My lawyer (she was amazing), walked up to me and delivered the dissolution of marriage paperwork.

It was a long day but I was truly at peace. I came home and settled back into my life, now made anew with this change. Gosh it felt great! I went over everything I had, making mental notes of what I wanted to take care of in the days ahead, precisely tomorrow. Can I say, I have never been so excited about a tomorrow.

 

Friday August 11, the day, this day the first day as a single woman was started off with a smile on my face, warmth in my heart, and excitement at my life. What joy! Divorce isn’t an easy process, by any means, but I have grown, persevered and overcome. When the judge awarded my request a weight had been lifted and a realization came to me, never again will his life have any merit on my own or any meaning to the person I am. Yes, we will always have children in common, and how their relationships together unfolds or dries up I will know about, but in terms of an us, it doesn’t exist.

As a person I have no respect for who he is, and frankly don’t care about how his life is or with whom he shares it with. What I do care about is this it isn’t a burden on my children and that the one he has a relationship with comes first. Based on his first post divorce post it certainly shows he has no concern for how his youngest feels or how it affects her. As her mother I will be here to support her and be the parent she needs.

My life is rich and full and I cannot tell you how happy I am. As for dating, yes I have. But my life isn’t about finding someone to make me feel loved, it is about me loving myself and when the time is right growing in kind with my mate. Real relationships take work, honesty, time and do not just happen, chemistry happens. Love is built over time, and to thrive they need proper elements.

I’m ok waiting for the right person for me. I’m confident with who I am and know the right person will come into my life. To be loved is a gift especially when you can say you love yourself. We attract what we are and put forth in the world.
I’m know I am loved I don’t need to declare it, because I feel it with my entire being ❤️

The Gift

Do I follow

No I lead

As time has clearly shown

Carefully I make my stand

And wisely chose my path

It might appear

My leadership skills

Are just subpar

However you underestimate

good leader forte

Erroneously it’s assume

Control is how it works

to be in charge

It’s a power play

Tied to self worth

What I have found

That works for me

Is ethical camaraderie

kindness and equality

To lead is to guide and navigate

Set a stellar view

Be the one to help others grow

It will come back to you

My Strength 

My life is filled with a flair and robustness that can only be defined as a spice for life. This spicy jubilant satire is a culmination of all my endeavors, the new found joy and freedom to be the woman I am now.

I found myself, yes at my age. I am set free to be whomever I want. I have the strength and perseverance to achieve my desires and dreams. My life is mine for the taking. I choose to be strong, giving and forthright. A beacon of truth and honesty.

I will no longer hide or forsake who I am for anyone, even fears. The time is now and I will live for my dreams. I am rebuilding myself from the inside out, and letting go and setting my soul free. See me, hear me, I have nothing to be shameful of, I love deeply, and fully. I stand tall and embrace life.

I will meet you my fear(s) and concur you and delight in the strength I gain from knowing I overcame your power and persevered. For each anxiety I overcome the stronger my resolve is. What is fear, but the unknown we are insecure about and have no confidence about.

I have a prolific zest for my life, a passion as intense as a fast beating heart after a passionate kiss that sends your head spinning. The way you light up after as if you are tingling all over from the adrenaline. Life should be as beautiful as that.

We all know there are moments in life like this. But to have people in your life who bring out the best in you, and do not inhibit you as a person, well fear will concede. I gather strength in knowing who I become I can be proud of.

House of cards: Follow the Money.

Monday! How do you gage time when it is overloaded with intense mental activity and physical undertakings making it feel as if a week has passed? I arose this morning early, quiet aware of the day, yet within a span of a few hours Monday seemed lived out, that was until I called out, “happy Monday”. I paused and had to almost second guess my words in a foreign surreal way. I cracked a joke, making the room burst out in laughter and before I knew it time had again passed.

I gathered my belonging, then began to amble my way to the door.  I was dressed in one of my favorite summer dresses, more than befitting for the days events and my way of embracing what and where my life was at . Even if I could only attend one of my appointments, I knew I was well represented at the one I didn’t attend. Which brings me to a question, why on earth does it seem every thing always ends up schedule on one day, either at the same time or with minutes of one finishing? Then of course you have nothing on any other day.   

After all the intense emotional pendulum like movement over the course of the last two week, I’m glad I have an almost emotionally “free” day. At least as of now I do. Several critical variables of my equation that have been in the process of being expressed clearly, are now in there final rewrite as all the terms and factors have been set up, “X” has been found!

Well in this case disposed (or deposed) as the case may be.

If all concludes the way it looks like it might, I think I will believe karma has indeed found and taken care of an abhorrent despicable parasitic (male) wench. I can only hope in time that across the board the vail he’s used will finally rot and the putrid vileness will show.  

For me in a matter of days (so I assume) I will be able to close the horror I’ve endured and his un-widowed pride (excuse me while I choke on her simplemindedness) now is shackled (I mean overcome with lustful love) at his unhygienic appearance in spades.

We all dig our one holes. When we start and how deep is all a matter of the genuine, honest and forthright nature we not only portray but actually have as a driving force of who we are- not a charade. We don’t win (ŋwǐˀən), lying doesn’t help and drama cim cause more pain.

Mark my word.