The Cyclical Viscosity 

It is Sunday, phew! I woke panicked thinking it was Monday. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against Mondays, and in fact I like them… normally. This Monday however, it doesn’t matter if you dress it up in the fanciest, decked out getup that shimmers when it moves, it is going to be an inhospitable day. 

I have two huge undertakings going on at about the same time. Yes of course I can’t be in two places at once, even when both are equally important. However, I chose the one that I had to. I know I am making a good choice as the one I cannot attend is in exceptional qualified hands. Well actually they both are in exceptional qualified hands but for very different reasons!!

The impossibility of the situation is overwhelming to say the least. Probably why I freaked out thinking it was Monday today! In any case I need to allow myself a break and try to just relax. I know worrying won’t help, and I am not worrying just thinking about the fact I have these things coming up and knowing it will play out no matter what.

It’s hard to ascertain when too many factors play a part, and quite frankly it isn’t realistic. There are many facets of our life we have no tangible control over, yet somehow when we perceive the event to be negative in any way an uncontrollable need to have the power to change it manifests. I’m not sure if it is a survival instinct that kicks in to somehow protect and pad the impact or just a need to fix things.

In any case when circumstances are overly polarized in a negative way we see our life as not having the quality and dimension it dose when things go well. We need both in actuality.
We grow infinitely when perceived negativity is  around us. I say perceived because ultimately we have the control on how we choose to see events and circumstances in our lives. As much as I hate to admit it, stuff happens; good and bad.   

Life is very much cyclical, that is an undeniable fact. However, It feels to me that my life will be positioned where it is indefinitely, at the same time I have had deep, rewarding experiences where my life has been enriched, profoundly. It hasn’t been an entire chalk up, that’s for sure.
Maybe we remember the negative so vividly because the surreal impact it has. I can give countless examples when my fight of flight response was triggered as I recount those negative events. In any case we learn to fear what we cannot control or that we perceive as negative when really we should embrace it just as we would the counter feelings. 

I am not saying that they don’t hurt or cause harm, I’m living proof they do.  What I am saying is learning to benefit and grow from both is equally important and rewarding in it own right. As I have heard so many times, the most amazing things come from the worst experiences.
May this prove to be true for me.  

Peace 

The Person Inside

In the course of a day, many thoughts pass through my mind. In the recent weeks my mind has been filled will an adversity of prolific thoughts and feelings over the injustice one person can cause. The sojourn I have had, well I have had the misfortune to be hold up with no retribution, which is SUCKING the life outta me.The insurmountable deceit one individual can perpetrate, lies upon lies where even said person loses sight of what is truth. Every avenue of the life lead, examples upon example can be given as proof of the heinousness done.

There is no good in this person, what was salvageable died long ago.

It was once implied, I could not write and sounded uneducated, I have a mild form of dyslexia, but I know I write well, spelling and grammar, well that’s another thing altogether!

I had more formal education then that person who was pushed by me to obtain a GED. When I graduated with my associates the said person blew up making my day more about the loss anticipated by what couldn’t be seen due to the fact there was not enough tickets for all. Only my children could see me graduate.

That was a poignant pivotal moment for me. As I walked into the hall I felt robbed of my accomplishment of graduating with honors all the work and time I put in, like it meant nothing. My heart was sad for the mere fact the said person just couldn’t let me have my day and allow me my happiness for my accomplishment. I was so overwhelmed with feelings of sadness being among the ranks of graduates but not allowed to make it my day so I cried in the procession leaving the ceremony. It was a good mask, the happiness I should have been feeling, showing it with overjoyed tears which were tears of hurt at how said person became aggressively hostile and angry.

This person was and is good at cultivating and manipulating events, feelings and situations to suits the needs or desires within who this said person is.

Which brings me to this question, how can this said person live with who they are, how they are, the things they do, and justify their behavior? There can be no happiness in a person who leads a life much like this person does. Their can be no humanness in a person like this. They fill their live with possessions and thing, to hide the void they obviously feel within and above all use others for their own gain and precatory worth.

I express this to you because there is nothing, and I do mean nothing casual in how a person like this behaves, acts or is.  

Yes I have my issues and faults, but I would never in a million years do what this person did has done and in now doing to another. 

Shining Light

I slept soundly, totally relaxed, unaware it was morning, until I opened my eyes. I laid in bed taking in the peacefulness and utter quiet focusing on the gift of waking up to utter tranquility.

As wonderful as it felt I new I needed to move out of bed, the dog had to go out. I flung the covers off and all at once sat up and got up.
Putting my shoes on I gathered my thoughts, opened the door and left the room, closing the door behind me.   

Walking down stairs I was already processing my thoughts from the prior day, as I was thinking about how wonderful my hot cup of tea would be to drink out in the yard. My favorite place to just be. I can casually sit for hours in the morning drinking in the charm morning offers. I use the time to enjoy the simplicity that nature is, while I process and find my creative muse. 

I don’t always use the creativity but knowing I have it and can count on it, well,  it has sustained me through many of what I have felt to be impossible moments in my life. Only after moving through those times did I see the strength I possessed and then wondered to myself why was I so consumed with worry.  I’ve overcome and faced challenges the have been insurmountable, or so I thought. Giving up would have certainly caused those times to indeed be insurmountable, but I find with all these adverse experiences, I have become a stabilizing force for myself and my children. I’m not one to waver, I’m not one to settle and I am not one to not face a personal challenge and allow it to make me cower.

I go after what I believe in, by focusing on how I envision the end result to be, knowing in my heart that this is what I must do. Life has been a difficult challenge, (as many of us know), but I’ve been given the gift of seeing those I needed to see clearly for who they were and what we would never be to one another. I’ve gained my individuality back, I know who I am and what I want from my life and who will no longer have meaning in it.

Thank you loved ones and friends who have supported me in all the ways you have (especially) these last couple of years. While I know by no means am I the center of anyone’s universe but mine, I know you hold me, and my children in your thoughts- what an amazing gift.

My light shines bright and the darkness I’ve come out of, you’ve seen it. I do not fear it and I know you don’t. It continues to diminish and is all but burnt out. It will be devour for the void it is, and backs will continue to turn away from as I embrace the future.  My lovely, bountiful future!!

The Value of a Partner 

I woke today snuggled under my covers, the fan blowing a coolness I have missed. Yet against the warmness of my room it didn’t feel as cool as it indeed was. Usually in (early) August you don’t wake to many 54 degree mornings, after all it is the height of summer.

The refreshing change, a nice respite for the work load ahead of me. There are many little things I need to finalize and take care of, next week being a culmination of some rather intense happenings.

My nerves are in overdrive as I wait impatiently for what is to unfold. There is a good chance a haphazard partnership will finally end, hooray! It’s long past time I move on with my life, and this step will allow that.

Over the course of these long months, I have realized what I want and need in a
 partner. We put into words what we want/need but somehow I feel there is an intricate part missing in the description, as if we don’t truly understand what it is we are looking for. In a way the connection we seek we know in our minds eye what it will feel like, however, it eludes our deepest needs and desires.

Truth be told we also settle, for the mere fact because the person we are drawn to tells us they want what we do, yet their actions do not support the words they gush. I also feel we tend to assume the person we meet is good enough and in time will come around and be who we envision.

You cannot make someone into who you want them to be. No amount of explaining and hoping will change them. In fact they will become more ingrained in their behaviors.

It has taken a long time for me to realize this, and grow enough to realize what I need and definitively want.

First and foremost I want a friendship, one in which I don’t need to hide parts of myself, or be self conscious about other aspects of who I am.

I do not want a partner who is judgmental of my choices or beliefs, but instead accepts them as they show my individuality. I want someone I can trust to talk to openly, with no convoluted runaround or triangulation. I want to be able to depend on my significant other to follow through on what he says he will do, and who can stand by his word. Of course it goes without saying he should be emotionally stable, able to communicate in a nonaggressive, non-hostile manner and be open to perspectives other than his own. This doesn’t mean he has to accept them, just willing to the possibility of a different opinion.

My values have always been a corner stone of who I am. My need(s) for being honest and forthright come from my desire to live with integrity, happiness, and understanding. I am hard working, genuine, an altruistic woman and give with every ounce of who I am. I need someone who wants to be cared for and loved in this way and who will also do the same for me.

Of course we do not truly know a person, unless they want us to know them. That is part of the reason I feel we have those feelings of uncertainty. There is part of us who knows we are not experiencing the entire person  because we are left with a hollow emptiness that we question over and over. We all have experienced this is friendships and I myself have also experienced it in my relationship with my ex spouse.

For too long I have allowed inferior people, (people who are passive aggressive, drama seeking individuals) in my life and let them take up space in my circle. I sever those ties, and the need to have people who don’t truly value me as the person I am. Don’t get me wrong I have faults and imperfection and I mess up, we all do, but I cannot have someone who doesn’t support me for who I am.

I’m ready. For what this all means. I have yet to know for certain what it looks and feels like, but I intend to find out !  

Dial it Down

Thursday August 3 was to be a quiet day, with just a little of this and a little of that, overall low key. That is not how it turned out. Trust me, it isn’t a bad thing by any stretch of the imagination, it just became hectic. A meeting came up, cutting my plans short and saying it was long is an understatement. Yet an amazing amount was accomplished by the team I worked with.

I’m not sure if the recent events In my life are what got me thinking or my thoughts over the last few days naturally helped to draw me to the conclusion, but soon my life will contain less emotional instability with which I will have to handle.

With this change I’ll have to learn a new normal, unlike the normal I’ve had for the last few years. In some ways it worries me and in others, I look refreshingly to what it means. For starters it will be less stress for me and my children where we can finally start to move on leaving that segment behind. But again it will be a change.

After twenty plus years I am no longer a possession and can be my own person on my terms – it feels incredible. I can define my life in ways that make me happy, like writing this blog or one day opening and Etsy store, taking care of my health, the list goes on and on.

I feel the changes coming, I’m trying to anticipate them so I can be ready. My own personal
 symphony, powerful and full of life.

I sit here just wishing for the finally. know there will be no great feeling to wash over me or a feeling like I’m winning the lottery, or the climatic sound a symphony has, but instead more like a feeling of an anticlimactic climax, almost empty in feeling . I just know this is how it will be.

Yes that male was a part of my life for twenty plus years, but he no longer is a part of my life and will not be again. Hopefully he will let go and finally stop reading my blog, or feeding his cohorts information about me like I have done the injustice he has done to me. I hope so. But I seriously doubt it.

I will need to find something more worthwhile to talk about, as I have spent too much time moving through this divorce process and using this blog to keep him a sporadic part of me. When the divorce is finished he will not impede my life in the same way ever again.  I have been more than ready to let him damage the poor sap he nabbed to pay his way, money sure make love true.

In any case I will never repeat the past mistakes I did as I am a much stronger and happier person now, and more confident and centered, more than I ever have been. I am ok losing what I did because in the end I gained far more and I will continue to grow.  

Postulate 

I sit in silent noise

Hearing crickets stridulate

Calling a potential mate

It is fairly loud

Even with windows closed

Yet at the same time

Tranquil.

The humidity

Fosters a need in me

To stay cool

However I have a need

To connect and absorb

My outdoor environment

My inner connect web of existence.

This time of year

Is a beckoning

To summers end

However not by choice

within me Is a sadness

That will linger

Until the days

Again grow longer.

The Fog

Juxtaposed

The turmoil Follows

And endless weaving line

As mush as I do gather

It isn’t at all sublime

Abhorrent, a disaster

Weeping at the find

Travesty, injustice

Amoral it is true

Ridiculed no more

Now, (you) tow the line

The fog doth

Roll in.

To me it is a friend

Envelopes and comforts

Surrounds me; amends

Watch out it is foggy

It’ll distort

cloak and dagger ways

Forcing the truth

Devouring the lies

It seeps in

Slowly

Eating out decay

A frenzy of decomposition

Shows the true scene

A fragile

shell of disaster

Blows away in the wind

Eric and Kathy in the Morning 

I am overwhelmingly marred by the jurisprudence I’ve dealt with. The substandard lengthily time I put up with inferior representation, lack of financial support for our children and a rash of other unacceptable goings on.   

I’m dumbfounded by the lack of scrupulous shown when they have other people’s lives in their hands. They have no understanding or compassion because the monetary gains they will come away with do not make them want to care.

I took matters into my own hands, my new lawyer has my back. For as much as she will be able to do. Had my last lawyer asked for child support when this all started, I asked over and over again.

It is hard for me to joke or make light of the situation at times. We had three children together, he works an inferior amount of hours and is supported. I have college to pay for, medical bills, my own health. Let’s laugh about that! Hahhaha. Yeah no.

Some of the very same people who joke about very said things in their life get we are here for you, and truth be told, I feel alone. The last day bottomed out. No idea why. Somehow all this bad luck came my way. Guy with road rage, attacked by an animal, stood up, which all helped to compound the other things I’m balancing.

Really is something that off with me?

I’ll be the first to admit I’ve probably hung my laundry out too much, but what else do I have as restitution? No, some of this shouldn’t be common knowledge, but I am sick and tired of how he has gotten away with everything he has done. I sit here, having lost so much, doing my best to help our children and give them a feeling of hope when right now I have none.
I work hard and don’t cut corners 

Being faced with mortality usually makes one humble and nicer, instead I met vicious and mean.

No one is handing me a tidy nice life, yet that’s exactly what he got. Karma? I am beginning to doubt its existence.

Yes I am angry, yes I am hurt. Yes I am done! Done with this lopsided, unfair, hurtful way life has been for me and my children. I WANT MY TURN AND MY TIME!  When will this end?
I just want it to end. 

The Power Of Words

Most of our life is about wants and desires. We lust after and for a tangible item to quell our fantasy of what we are hopping to gain or achieve. Most times we lust for sexual desires, the same desires that fill our mind.

Imagined or not how do you communicate you desire for nonsexual intangible items?

I recently read a post on Facebook


I lust for a relationship that is well rounded, where my emotional needs, my attributes and skills are also found to be just as appealing as my sexual assets (or lack there of). For me it has been far more important to be acknowledged for who I am as a person and not what I have as a woman.

Sex is an innate part of who we are, much more so than letting someone know they are valued for so much more.

Constantly imply and saying you want someone turns you into a possession and I feel the value of who I am is lost. Regardless if sex is an innate part of who we are, as a species we have evolved to use our emotions, thoughts and feelings to convey a deeper bond. Sex alone doesn’t make you close to someone, not in a way that will fulfill you in any meaningful way that can be sustained. 

The fundamentals of any great relationship are based on respect, kindness, openness and having a friendship first and foremost. Sex alone is not an adequate form of expression, and it should supplemental to the relationship. Don’t get me wrong, there certainly are times one has sex just for the pleasure, but ultimately if you want your relationship to be well rounded other needs must be nourished with the same drive. (Pun intended)   

I am not a woman who wants to be taken care of. I am more than capable, strong and can stand on my own two feet. What I want is someone that will allow me to be who I am, by letting me shine or falter without thinking they must save me or be ashamed of me. At the same time I want to know I have them for support and can draw from them, and them from me.     

I’ve learned a hard lesson, but a good one. People are who they are, you cannot mold or change them, even if they lead you to believe they want what you want. It has taken me way too long to see words and actions must match. It doesn’t matter what they say, if their actions don’t follow what they say and vice versa, it isn’t going to happen. No amount of trial and error or convincing will change the outcome if you keep using the same elements. Yes I know you want to believe, but it won’t make it true.

I’m extremely willing and capable of face what life has in store for me. If for any other reason than because this is my life and I have a stake in its outcome. I am not going to let days pass into years, and come to find out I let happiness slip through my fingers.

Great things happen, terrible awful things happen, it’s part of life. Guess what?! I’m here to experience it al! Learning to lust for what really matters as I work to find it, will just increase my drive. It’s there, but like anything (good or bad) it takes time.

Confidence 

Inside of me

a voice cries out

I’ll break free  

Without a doubt  

I’ll grow inside

pest I’ll be

Until you do

Set me free

I am your strength

Your guiding light

I help you do

What is right

Do not waiver

Do not fear

I will protect you

And commandeer

I’m your cypher

You will see

You have courage

Brawn and clout

You’ll rise above it

You’re on route

When you glance (back)

To check your mount

No longer

Will it be

As you’re not her

Now you are she

A powerhouse;

Confident with pride

A beacon of

What you’ve survived.

The gate is there

A few more steps

With pride and grace

Your inner strength 
Now let go

and embrace

Who you are,

Your new face